Parks and Recreation Season 1 quotes

Ann

Any questions?

If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?

Ann

Uh... [turns to someone else] Yes?

But isn't all food bad for you? I've been eating lasagna and muffins everyday of my life for 40 years and I feel terrible.

Ann

Right. [turns to someone else]

What's so bad about corn syrup? It's natural. Corn's a fruit. Syrup comes from a bush.

Ann

Oh boy. [turns to someone else]

How do we know you're really a nurse?

Ann

I am I promise. I work at St. Joe's.

Well the point is my friend thinks you're cute. Gimme your number so he can have it.

Ann

Yeah that's not gonna happen.

Can I have your email address? I just got on AOL.

Ann

Oh my God. No!

I think we oughtta throw those bars out and eat ham and mayonnaise sandwiches.

Ann

That's not a good idea.

Ham and mayonnaise! Ham and mayonnaise! [starts a chant]

Ann

[to Leslie] Oh my God I can't believe you do this every week.

Leslie

I'm actually encouraged! The questions are more relevant than usual!

Leslie

Wow, Mr. Newport Junior thank you so much for coming but, don't you think that every person has the right to know what they're putting in their bodies? Right everybody?

Is Shoelace here!? Where's Shoelace!?

Shoelace couldn't make it. But I do agree with this nice lady. That's why I say, we should let the people be the judge. Denver?

Everybody! Check under your seats!

Leslie

Denver you little son of a bitch.

Leslie

It's not just a job, gang. We're gonna learn a lot from these seniors. Some of them have been married for half a century. And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. [points to Tom] Divorced, [points to April] dating a gay guy, [points to Ron] divorced twice, [points to Ann and Mark] jury's still out on you two, [points to Jerry] and Jerry, who knows.

Jerry

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife Gayle many times.

Leslie

Whatever.

Tommy, I just want you to know I'm so grateful for everything you did for me, but I only see us as friends.

Tom

For now. But think how much better our friendship would be if we added...doin' it.

Leslie

They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Ron

What's going on?

April

You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.

Ron

...Well it's about time.

Andy

You're like an angel with no wings.

April

So like a person...

Leslie

I think the Pawnee chapter of the IOW made a little mistake.

Ron

[sarcastically] Really!? You're saying a women's organization made a mistake!?

Leslie

I was as surprised as you were. But the fact is they only give that award to women.

Ron

Hmm well it definitely said Ron Swanson in the letter.

Leslie

Yeah but it also mentioned my camp project.

Ron

Ah yes Camp Xena.

Leslie

Athena. Camp Athena. You don't even know the name.

Ron

Well I almost got it. I was pretty close.

Leslie

No.

Leslie

How's the scheduling conflict with the soccer teams going? Take care of that did you?

Ron

Nope. Passed the buck to Donna.

Leslie

That's not really the attitude I'd expect from an award winner.

Ron

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I've won an award.

Leslie

Twenty-six certificates, plaques, ribbons, trophies, medals and miscellany certifying that I am the kind of person who deserves recognition for her achievements. What do you have Ron!?

Ron

I have the Dorothy Everytime Smurf girl trophy for excellence in female stuff.

Leslie

Dorothy Everton Smyth! I swear to God...

Ron

Come on Leslie, you know I'm not sexist. I love powerful women.

Leslie

You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

Tom

Okay! First come, first serve. Who's in!? Jerry?

Jerry

Oh jeeze Tom, if I spend any more than 25 bucks I gotta ask my wife.

Tom

Jerry get out.

Elise Yarktin

The media has all but written us off as a niche interest group. But if you give a woman's award to a mustachioed, masculine man such as yourself well then eventually people take notice.

Ron

I don't want the damn thing.

Elise Yarktin

Well we're giving it to you. So you're going to take it...like a man. So congratulations!

Leslie

The IOW is a bunch of sexist jerks who need to get back in the kitchen where they belong and leave the real feminist work to actual feminists like Ron Swanson...Oh my God what is happening!?

Jean-Ralphio

What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna

I'm out.

Tom

Why?!

Donna

I hate that guy.

Elise Yarktin

Oh I'm sorry this area is for award winners only.

Leslie

Ugh get over yourself Elise.

Ron

Work on the speech. Let's nail these women...you know what I mean.

Leslie

Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole of the public golf course. And he's actually number three on the parks department most wanted pests list. Right behind the bats who like to poop on the bell tower. And "Poopy" the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria.