Chris Traeger quotes from Parks and Recreation

Chris

Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food?

Andy

Oh, I take Skittles and I put it between two Starbursts. Know what I call it?

Chris

Skittle Sandwich?

Andy

...That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's Mouth Surprise. It's nice because the flavor of the Starbursts really bring out a similar flavor in the Skittles.

Chris

I humbly place before you my East meets West, patented Traeger Turkey Burger. An Asian fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aoli and microgreens on a gluten free brioche bun. Enjoy!

Tom

This tastes as delicious as Beyonce smells...I'm guessing.

Donna

What is this in here? Saffron?

Chris

Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palette!

I love the umami flavor.

Jerry

Stop being so pretentious Kyle!

Sorry.

Ron

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want, I couldn't care less.

Chris

Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge.

Tom

Never mind this is better!

Donna

Way better!

Jerry

Mmmmm Mmmhmm!

Andy

...Kyle?

...Sorry Andy, Ron's is better.

Andy

Damn it Kyle! [takes a bite of Ron's burger] Oh my God this is so much better it's crazy!

Ron

Turkey can never beat cow Chris. Sorry.

Chris

I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted it's been along time since I've had a hamburger. [takes a bite of one of Ron's burgers] ...This is better. The commisary will continue to serve horrifying, artery clogging hamburgers.

Yay!

Chris

You want me to do what now?

Ron

Send Leslie somewhere on an assignment, a conference or something...and make her take April...and freeze their bank accounts.

Chris

I don't understand. Is Leslie's work unsatisfactory?

Ron

No it has nothing to do with her work. I don't wanna get into it.

Chris

Wow. This is me okay? You know you can talk to me about anything.

Ron

[Quietly] Well it's my birthday on Friday.

Chris

Hey! Happy Birthday! [Kisses Ron full on the mouth]

Chris

We need to find a new PR Director for the health department. Dennis Cooper was fired today.

Ben

Why?

Chris

Short answer, he went bananas. Long answer, his wife Jan had an affair, gave him a venereal disease, so he put signs about her all through city hall. I'm sure you've seen them.

Oh yeah.

Chris

"Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia. Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."

Tom

Traegermeister! You made it!

Chris

Yeah I got your email. We need to talk.

Tom

First, grab a Snakejuice. It's 140 proof which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry, there's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.

Chris

I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Chris

I feel that some structural changes could really unlock this department's potential. Jerry.

Jerry

Mmm?

Chris

I believe that you are capable of so much more.

Jerry

I'm Not.

Chris

Nonsense. Look in the mirror!

Jerry

Huh?

Chris

You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero. I'm making you head of Public Relations, which means you'll be leading the Monday briefing sessions.

Ron

Excellent idea.

Chris

April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.

April

Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!

There's nothing left. It's over!

Chris

Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on. Get yourself together and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.

[deeply touched] Thank you!

Tom

Who was that?

Chris

I don't know. I saw her crying and so I helped.

Chris

Ron Swanson!

Ron

Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.

Chris

Now wait a minute...

Ron

I mean that as a compliment. So it pains me to say this: my department has to go back to the way it was.

Chris

Give them time. They'll adjust.

Ron

No they won't. They're miserable. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on freak island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone. And Jerry can only function if no one is looking. You shine a light on him and he shrinks up faster than an eskimo's scrotum.

Chris

That's very perceptive, Ron. And very graphic.

I think I speak on behalf of the entire world when I say we need to know the truth about where you were born.

Leslie

Okay. Well-

Chris

Leslie, let me handle this. Does it really matter? I mean how many of you were actually born in Pawnee?

Chris

..Fair enough.

Leslie

No matter what you heard ma'am, I was born here.

If you were so born here, then where's your birth certificate?

Leslie

Well I don't carry my birth certificate around with me-

Why!? Because you're hiding something!? You should go back where you came from!

Leslie

I am back from where I came from!

That sentence was confusing! You might as well be from China!

Chris

Donna! Blue shirt, badge, night stick. You are a policewoman.

Donna

Yup. You're a regular-

Chris

-Sherlock Holmes! I solved that mystery before you did.

Donna

Okay this was fun... [walks away]

Chris

Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?

Tammy Two

Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove...

Chris

May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.

Tammy Two

Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!

Chris

Thank you, John, for coming in. The Public Works department is wonderful and you are the best idea man in the business.

Ron

Also we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.

What? What about the Pawnee River dam?

Ron

Dam's dead. Have a nice day.

Where will all the water go?

Ron

Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.

Chris

We're very sorry.

Ron

I am not. Good meeting.

Tom

I found a DJ for the dance and his name is DJ Bluntz.

Chris

[reading the flyer] Tom, this a publicly funded couple's dance. I don't think it's appropriate for people to be getting wet with sound.

Tom

Hey, Kris Kross, can we change up the music? It kinda sounds like the end of a movie about a monk who killed himself.

Chris

It is.

Tom

Listen man! There's some attractive women here! Why don't you rebound!?

Chris

Nobody here compares to Millicent. Except maybe Jerry. Technically, they share 50% of the same DNA. [starts staring longingly at Jerry]

Tom

Stop staring at Jerry like that!