Chris Traeger quotes from Parks and Recreation

April

Why are you here eating alone?

Chris

I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.

April

That's impossible.

Chris

Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.

Chris

This is the best possible job for me. I could literally make anything sound positive.

Tom

Your house just burned down and you lost all your money in the stock market.

Chris

It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing. And true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.

Ron

Here I have designed something very important. Why don't you start work on that right away?

Chris

Yes sir!

Ron

[to the camera] It's a flight of stairs that leads to nowhere.

Tom

Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?

Ann

Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

Donna

For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Chris

I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.

Ann

So you like the place?

Chris

Oh no it's quite terrible.

Tom

This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!

Jerry

One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?

Tom

Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]

Ron

Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.

Chris

To Tom Haverford! Wooo!

Tom

And to my wife Rihanna! We truly did find love in a hopeless place

Ben

[tying his bow-tie] Okay, did I- did I do it right? [the tie is crooked] How's it look?

Chris

Terrible. And perfect. I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight. And I have already broken that promise five times. But I will not... break it a sixth.

Ben

Go ahead and let it out, buddy. It's okay.

Chris

I have something for you.

Ben

All right.

Chris

It is the letter from the statehouse... telling us that we have been assigned to Pawnee. Dated May 1st, 2010.

Ben

[quietly] No way.

Chris

We were supposed to be here eight weeks. I'm so happy that those eight weeks turned into three years, and that you met Leslie, and that we both found a home.

Ben

Damn it, you're transferring your crying thing over to me.

Chris

It's okay, buddy, let it out. [they laugh]

Chris

Last year I won an organic gardening contest.

Donna

Who were you competing against?

Chris

My own taste buds.

Leslie

Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.

April

Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?

I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.

Leslie

Get out.

I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]

Chris

I liked him.

Ben

Hey, you wanted to see me?

Chris

I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!

Ben

Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.

Chris

When we were state auditors we had an amazing system.

Ben

Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons!

Chris

Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing!

Ben

You're all fired!

Chris

Teamwork!

Leslie

I have a question for you. Do you think I'm annoying?

Chris

No.

Leslie

Are you lying?

Chris

No.

Leslie

Are you trying to protect my feelings?

Chris

No.

Leslie

Do you think I'm being annoying right now?

Chris

Yes.

Leslie

So you do think I'm annoying!

Chris

I think you ask a lot of the people that you work with. And I think that people do what you ask because they love you. But, I also think that driving people as hard as you do can ruffle some feathers. I think a lot of things. I like cooking. And racquetball!

Leslie

Now who's annoying?

Chris

I spent the last hour reading some of Donna's old tweets. And turns out there's some more things that she said about you: "Message to the recall haters-You can't keep Leslie Knope down. She's too real for this ish. #BossBitch."

Leslie

"Leslie Knope is stepping up at these hearings and taking a bullet for me. #SisterFromAnotherMister #BossBitch."

Chris

It appears whereas "BitchBoss" is clearly an indication of her frustration, "BossBitch" is a term of endearment! Isn't language fun? It's like racquetball, for your mouth.

Leslie

I cannot wait to hear your Travolta.

Uh no no no, I'm Sandra Dee. That's more in my register. You're Zuko.

Chris

[To karaoke bar worker] I would like to buy five DVDs of this! No twenty! No Sixty! No that's insane. Twenty!

Leslie

Ann Arbor!? Sounds disgusting!

Chris

She already has family there and I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan. Go Blue!

Leslie

...

Chris

It's a good town and it's a great place to raise a family.

Leslie

What is great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there! There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign! I mean the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous!

Leslie

Are you sure you're okay with what you did?

Chris

Well it's not the most ethical thing that I've ever done...but on the flip-side, Jamm is a big, mean dope.

Leslie

Mmmhmmm

Chris

And I hope that this eases some of the pain of us moving away.

Leslie

Oh I am currently in deep denial that that's happening.

Dr. Saperstein

So look at this baby! That is the most symmetrical fetus I've ever seen. This could be a superhero!

Chris

Dr. Saperstein. I know that we should hate you because you destroyed our friend's business but we love you so much!

Ann

We love you!

Dr. Saperstein

I'm lovable! So, do you wanna know the sex?

Chris

Oh my God! Should we?

Ann

No, right? Or maybe yes?

Chris

Is there an option other than yes or no?

Dr. Saperstein

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna write it down. Then I'm gonna put it in an envelope, seal it and then when you're ready, Voila!

Ann

That'll be fun!

Chris

It's like the Oscars!

Ann

Hey let's get some food I'm starving! Wait no, I have to pee. Wait no, I have to barf. Actually all three. Being pregnant is great!

Chris

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