Ann Perkins quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.

Ann

Okay yes!

Leslie

Yes! I believe in you Ann.

Ann

Thank you.

Leslie

And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.

Ann

Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.

April

Wow you're doing a really bad job.

Leslie

You look like a real campaign manager.

Ann

Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.

Leslie

See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked guys Ann.

Ann

...What?

Leslie

Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you wanna do.

Okay.

Leslie

I think you wanna dunk.

I'm not gonna dunk the ball.

Ann

What about a layup?

Leslie

Ann you're fired.

Ann

Oh thank God.

Leslie

[quietly] Oh Ann you beautiful spinster. I will find you love.

Ann

What did you say something?

Leslie

Love you!

Leslie

How are you?

Ann

Well it's Valentine's Day and I'm single and I'm at a couple's dance. Can't imagine a more depressing place to be!

Leslie

How about a wedding where you used to go out with the groom and you're the only one there without a date so the bride makes you dance to 'Single Ladies' by yourself?

Ann

Oh my God did that happen to you?

Leslie

Maybe! Let's get a drink!

Leslie

Okay Ben what do we do?!

Ben

It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!

Leslie

Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.

Ann

I'm not gonna beat him.

Leslie

Not with that attitude!

Ann

Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.

Leslie

April?

April

I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

If..I..If...The guy...

Leslie

Okay!

Leslie

I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses lightly.

No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in ten years...

Ann

...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?

Well we have lots of other problems.

I think we should tax all bad things...like racism...and women's vaginas.

Ann

We're not taxing anyone's genitals.

Well what the hell are we doing here!?

Leslie

Hey.

Ann

Hey you look weird.

Leslie

So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.

Leslie

Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.

Ann

Also seniors can be pretty ornery.

Andy

Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."

Leslie

I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!

Ann

With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.

Andy

[in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?

Ann

I don't think so no.

Andy

Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?

Donna

Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

Andy

[in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

Leslie

[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!

Ann

[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!

Leslie

Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]

Ann

So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!

Leslie

There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!

Andy

I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.

Marcia

I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.

Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading at chapter three.

Leslie

[flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your Pants & No-one Is Invited...

Ann

This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!

Marcia

Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.

Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]

Ann

I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.

Tom

Well done Team! What do ya think of the place?

Ann

Do you really like this yellow paint? I mean I know it was on sale but it looks a lot like dried phlegm.

Donna

For real Tom. This place is sad. I think one of the mannequins tried to commit suicide.

Chris

I think what's important is that we all had a goal, and we achieved it.

Ann

So you like the place?

Chris

Oh no it's quite terrible.

Tom

This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget! Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza Party!

Jerry

One small pizza for all of us!? With no toppings!?

Tom

Cheese is a topping Jerry! And why are all these lights blaring by the way? Does somebody own stock in the electric company? [shuts the lights off]

Ron

Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people this would be the perfect party.