Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk

Ron

On the night I punched Councilman Jamm in the face, I warned him several times to back off, and instead he attacked me twice. Truthfully, I barely registered his attack. He's incredibly frail and his arms are weak. And when I punched him, he dropped so quickly I thought he was diving towards the ground. I regret nothing. The end.

Ron

Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I'd choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I'd work all night if it meant nothing got done.

Ron

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.

Ron

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Ron

I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.

Ron

I attended Prom with Susan Hoffler. I picked her up in my truck, we slow danced to a Merle Haggard song, and then I left early to go to my shift at the quarry. I was twelve years old. Never went again. Felt like I had outgrown it.

Ron

[In a commercial] Hire Very Good Building Company for all your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar.

Ron

Tommy boy. Lemme tell you something,

Tom

You suck at Scrabble. I know. You're destroying me.

Ron

You're worse than my ex-wife and she's terrible at Scrabble. [looks at camera] And she's a bitch.

Tom

Look out, man, I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.

Ron

Yeah, I doubt that. [looks at camera] Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

Mark

Hey Parks Department.

Ron

Hey Mark, this is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better looking sister.

Nice to meet you.

Mark

Nice to meet you. You guys are together?

Ron

Yep. My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me, then we divorced, then last week I ran into her sister Beth here, turns out she hates Tammy too, so we started dating. It's like a fairy tale.

Tammy stinks.

Tom

Brendanawicz!

Mark

Hey Tom.

Tom

Hey, I want you to meet my wife.

Hi, I'm Wendy Haverford.

Mark

[shocked because Wendy is attractive] Hi. You're...Tom's wife?

Don't hold it against me.

Tom

Look at how hot she is! Isn't that crazy? And she's a surgeon! She makes a ton of money! BAM!

April

This is Derek.

Mark

Cool. How long you guys been dating?

April

We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark

If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.

April

I don't want to talk to you.

Leslie

Pawnee has a gay bar?

Ron

Yeah, The Bulge.

...

Ron

It's behind my house.

Leslie

The Bulge is a gay bar? Ugh the nights I've wasted there...

Ron

Have fun last night?

Leslie

I had three drinks named after me so that's pretty fun! Plus Ben and Derek are taking me shopping on Saturday and we are gonna find out my actual bra size.

Ron

...

Leslie

I guess I'm kinda like Queen of the Gays!

Ron

Bully for you. I just got a phone call. They want you to go on Pawnee Today.

Leslie

Wow that's huge! What's the topic?

Ron

You. That Marcia Langman from the family thing is calling for your resignation.

Leslie

No!

Ron

You gotta go on and defend yourself.

Leslie

Why!? I haven't even officially taken a stand on gay marriage.

Ron

That's funny. Somebody just told me that you were Queen of the Gays.

Leslie

...That was me.

April

Do you live here?

Ron

April?

April

Yeah. Do you live here?

Ron

No.

April

Catch. [throws a marker at Ron and it just hits him in the face] Yeah I thought so. I went home but I had this strange feeling that there was something wrong with you so I came back.

Ron

It's just a minor medical issue.

April

AIDS?

Ron

...No I'm safe.

April

Blindness?

Ron

...No.

April

Is it like a parasite or a virus or something you get from a bee?

Ron

I have a hernia.

April

Do you have syphilis?

Ron

I said it's a hernia.

April

I know. It's possible to have two things.

April

Yo. I had to wait 'til my dad fell asleep so I could steal his keys. You ready?

Ron

I was born ready. I'm Ron Fucking Swanson.

Leslie

Hey can I smoke in here?

Ron

You don't smoke.

Leslie

Just asking if I can.

Ron

Are you high?

Leslie

I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.

Ron

That's right you never did ask me for permission did you? Well I'm sorry to burst your ka-bubble but I just had my ass ka-handed to me by the City Manager and now this entire department is ka-screwed!

Leslie

...Ron I am so so so sorry!

Ron

What the ka-fuck were you thinking?