Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Okay Ben what do we do?!

Ben

It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!

Leslie

Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.

Ann

I'm not gonna beat him.

Leslie

Not with that attitude!

Ann

Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.

Leslie

April?

April

I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

If..I..If...The guy...

Leslie

Okay!

Leslie

And that is "Groffle the Awful Waffle," a book I wrote and published on behalf of my education initiative. Any questions?

How did Groffle cross the syrup river? And why did you call Mr. Newport a jerk?

Leslie

...I should not have called Nick Newport a jerk because we need to be respectful of all dead people. I mean not Stalin or Hitler...I'm not calling Nick Newport Hitler.

Ms. Knope I have a follow-up to what I'm now deciding to call "Jerkgate." Are there any other deceased members of Bobby Newport's family you'd like to attack?

And quit ducking the waffle question. Did Groffle use a boat of some kind?

Ben

Alright! That's all the questions for now. Thank you everybody.

Are we to assume that he swam across the syrup river?

Ben

Your victory speech, Councilwoman Knope.

Leslie

Someday, when I'm more emotionally stable, I want to read the concession speech you wrote for me.

Ben

I never wrote it.

Andy

You OK, boss?

Leslie

No, not really. I know I should be focusing on this cleanup, but all I think about is Ben laughing in a helicopter with Hot Rebecca.

Andy

Who's Hot Rebecca?

Leslie

She's just this jealousy amalgam I created. [Andy stares confused] I combined all of the giant dark-haired smartphone power goddesses into one woman called Hot Rebecca.

Andy

Oooh.

Leslie

I mean Ben's life is filled with senators and briefings and Super PACs. I can't even get a meeting with some bureaucrat.

Andy

[laughing] I don't even know what a bureaucrat is. Everything is gonna be fine with you and Ben because if I know Ben, he too is an amalgam.

Leslie

No.

Andy

Yeah. Point is you're better than Hot Rebecca. You're Kickass Leslie. Long distance relationships are never easy but you never ever give up on stuff.

Leslie

Thanks.

Andy

That's what makes you...

Leslie

Nope.

Andy

...an amalgam. Nailed it.

Leslie

Well, Paunch Burger just recently came out with a new 128 ounce option. Most people call it a gallon, but they call it the Regular. Then there is a horrifying 512 ounce version that they call Child Size. How is this a child size soda?

Well, it's roughly the size of a two-year old child, if the child were liquefied. It's a real bargain at $1.59.

If they don't wanna drink our delicious sodas, we do provide healthier options like Water Zero.

Leslie

Oh yes let's talk about Water Zero. The name implies that there are zero calories, like most water, but in fact it has 300 calories per serving. Isn't that misleading?

The zero on the label refers to the amount of water in it, which is zero. If you want zero calorie water try Diet Water Zero Lite. It has only 60 calories.

Leslie

I may vote against the tax because frankly I don't take job losses lightly.

No I want the tax! My husband started drinking those giant sodas and he's gained 100 pounds in three months! Consequently we haven't had sex in ten years...

Ann

...I thought you said he gained weight in the last three months?

Well we have lots of other problems.

Leslie

Hey.

Ann

Hey you look weird.

Leslie

So do you...that's a lie you always look beautiful.

Leslie

Okay everyone! Great news! Lots of old people have chlamydia.

Andy

Woo!

Leslie

Okay sex avengers. These old fogies are very set in their ways, they're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose...cause they're close to death.

Ann

Also seniors can be pretty ornery.

Andy

Actually I think it's pronounced "Horny."

Leslie

I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [in an old lady accent] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president!

Ann

With the elderly we're not so concerned with pregnancy, we're more concerned with disease.

Andy

[in an old man accent] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?

Ann

I don't think so no.

Andy

Cause that's happening to me...what should I do?

Donna

Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?

Andy

[in an old man accent] I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.

Leslie

[in an old man accent] I think you're good to go nursey. I wanna jump on that caboose! Choo-Choo!

Ann

[to Donna] You should never eat lube... [to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately... [to Leslie] and I'm sorry sir but you have to be under 40 to ride this train!

Leslie

Ohh! That's how you do it kids! [High fives Ann]

Marcia

If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors then the next thing you know it'll be in our high schools and our kindergartens and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?

Leslie

[sarcastically] Yes that's what I want.

Ann

So we're just gonna do the thing we know doesn't work? Great plan!

Leslie

There's no other option Ann! Put away your sex toys and play with them on your own time!

Andy

I did eat all the bananas so...you can't play with those.

Marcia

I'm so glad you finally came to your senses.

Here's our educational pamphlet. I recommend you start reading at chapter three.

Leslie

[flips to chapter three] Chapter Three: There's A Party In Your Pants & No-one Is Invited...

Ann

This is crazy, I mean obviously the best way to prevent disease is to magically stop all sex but that's not gonna happen!

Marcia

Well maybe not where you come from in TRAMPsylvania.

Hahaha good one honey! [They high five and then walk away]

Ann

I'm from Michigan! ...That wasn't worth saying.

Ben

[on phone with Leslie] I love you.

Leslie

I love you too. What are you wearing?

Ben

I can't do that right now.