MacDo the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?
Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.
Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.
Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.
Mac
That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.
Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.
Mac
…Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.
Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]
Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.
In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.
ABArnold Burger
She took my money, and she won’t give it back.
AFAnita Fries
I have a strict no-refund policy.
Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.
Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...
Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.
Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]
AFAnita Fries
This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.
ABArnold Burger
They're in season.
AFAnita Fries
You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?
AAnita
He wanted me to smear it...
All right. One hour meal break.
Mac
If we actually live together as husband and wife... I said if. We'd have lots of problems.
All newlyweds have problem.
Mac
Who told you that?
Bull. A man named Phil told him.
Mac
Quon Le, but we'd have extra problems. 'Cause even though America is land of liberty and all that, some people haven't accepted the idea of two people from different races living together as man and wife.
Mac
Well, of course I can accept it, but that's because I love you.
EIEveryone in cafeteria
Aw...
That is the first time you said you love me.
Mac
Quon Le, there's a chance it could get ugly.
Mac, I have lived with war ever since I was five years old. My home was destroyed, most of my family were killed. And I have lived with that horror every single day of my life. Tell me, can it get any uglier than that?
[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]
[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...
[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?
I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.
You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.
[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.
[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?
Sure Bull, I'll have some.
How did you know it was me?
You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]
[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?
I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.
[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?
Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?
Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."
Mac
[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!
Mac
Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?
They're all people... I've never heard of.
Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.
[bangs gavel again] Next.
Art, Art, Art, dear, dear Art, please don't think I'm trying to pry... [seizes Art by his sterile mask] ...but what the hell are you doing?
I got a work order here to fumigate the entire building. We've got a problem with termites.
[Everyone looks up at a loud creaking noise from the ceiling, which collapses, dumping an entire desk onto the courtroom floor, along with its shell-shocked occupant.]
AAssistant
[into his phone] I, uh... I'll have to get back to you, Mac.
Mac
[at his desk, into his own phone] I understand.
NHNancy Hines
Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.
Thanks. Toss it in there, please.
NNancy
Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.
It was... one of you, wasn't it?
And it was worth every penny! [laughs]
Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!
Mac
Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!
You want the truth? It was all of you.
[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!
Mac
You knew we all called!
Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.
[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?
Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.
[during a hostage standoff in the cafeteria]
Mac
[hangs up the phone] They said they might be able to get a hostage negotiator over here in... [checks watch] Two hours.
JHJudge Harry T. Stone
[aghast] Two hours?
Mac
They said all their people are tied up right now.
JHJudge Harry T. Stone
Tied up with what?
Mac
Rope. They're being held hostage by a militant splinter faction of Up with People.
JHJudge Harry T. Stone
[shakes head] It was only a matter of time.
[after Christine tells Harry that Mel Torme and Barry Manilow did an album together.]
That is a desperately sick lie!
Mac
It's so.
[Harry cries on his shoulder.]
It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.
[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?
Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."
Mac
"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."
[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]
Better to be safe than sorry.
[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
ABAlice Beeker
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
ABAlice Beeker
Many are called, but few are frozen.
ABAlice Beeker
His sperm is slow and immature.
[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
ABAlice Beeker
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
ABAlice Beeker
Sixty million per cc.
ABAlice Beeker
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
ABAlice Beeker
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Mac
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
[deadpan] Quite a day today.
Mac
[deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.
Yep, almost. But we didn't.
[They sit impassively for a moment, then make Harry's "crazy" face at each other.]
What have we got left, Mac?
Mac
Last case, felony drunk driving, sir.
Felony! All we gotta do is turn that over to the grand jury. We could still make it!
I'm afraid not, Your Honor. My client refuses to waive the reading of the information.
[grabbing defendant's jacket] You what?!
Mac
We never do that.
But the formal charge goes on and on and on.
Unfortunately, word got out that anyone not arraigned before midnight was set free.
Mac
We were so close.
Oh, well, that's it. We're finished.
[takes charge from bench] No, we're not. Not as long as I got a chance to sleep with Matilda the Hun, we're not. Hold on. [takes a deep breath and reads rapidly as an onscreen clock hits 11:59:11 PM] "Count one: The undersigned declared in complaint states without prejudice the city did inform the police department of such information that they prepared a police statement upon November 11, 1986, in the public judicial city of New York, New York state of a prima violation of 23152 of the New York Vehicle Municipal Code that the defendant did willfully and unlawfully, while under the influence of alcoholic beverage, intended to drive the vehicle. Count two: Further, there is a separated complaint being of different cause but of the same class to answer the character of the information being set forth the court prepared in complaint and setting forth the information that the police had the information and belief saying that the state and judicial city of New York, in the state of New York in violation of 23152 of the vehicle code, a misdemeanor was committed when the defendant did willfully and unlawfully while 1.0% or more blood weight of alcohol did drive the vehicle." The end! [Finished at 11:59:40 PM. Harry and Mac are shocked, Christine is impressed] My god, man, gavel!
Oh, yeah, yeah. Held over for a grand jury! Court adjourned! [Bangs gavel at 11:59:59 PM]
Night Court · 239 quotes
