Liz Williams quotes from Night Court

Lana

Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Harry

I'm sure there must be.

Lana

Like what?

Liz

He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.

Bull

Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.

Dan

You will already be none the wiser.

Liz

Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.

Harry

He sounds like a wise man.

Liz

Yeah. We have no idea why he killed himself.

Harry

Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?

Lana

Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.

Dan

Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.

Liz

Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.

Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.

Dan

Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?

Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...

Liz

Objection, Your Honor.

Harry

Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

Harry

Who have we got here?

Dan

You tell him. [nudges his client]

I am known by many names.

Liz

Pick one and tell it to the judge.

I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.

Harry

[to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?

I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.

Dan

Good choice.

Harry

To what do we owe this visit?

The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.

Harry

I give. How strange?

Dan

He trashed a diner.

Harry

Any particular reason?

Dan

Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."

It's better when I do it.

Dan

Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

Dan

I am depressed.

Liz

Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.

Selma

That ought to perk him up.

Lana

I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.

Liz

Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.

Lana

You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.

Liz

That does make it easier.

Bull

Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme. I like singers that stick to the tune.

Liz

Like who, for instance?

Bull

Leontyne Price…Luciano Pavarotti…that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.

Harry

Yakov Korolenko.

Hello, Joe.

Harry

Might we have a language problem here?

Liz

We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.

Harry

But we are working on it.

Liz

Yes, sir.

I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.

Harry

Do you speak Russian?

No, but I'll give it a shot.

Harry

[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana

Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan

I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz

I'm not leaving either.

Dan

Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry

Liz!

Liz

This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry

The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.

Liz

So how many--?

Harry

Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.

Dan

Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry

Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.

May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Harry

Sure.

No!

Harry

Miss Williams?

Dan

Your Honor, the charge.

Harry

"Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.

Harry

All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.

That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.

Dan

Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."

Don't you see? Our clothing inhibits us, people. Nudity allows us to be open to each other.

Harry

Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.

All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.

Harry

Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Liz

Hi Selma, how did it go?

Selma

How did what go?

Liz

Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?

Selma

Oh, that.

Liz

Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?

Selma

Well, if you must know, very early.

Bull

You didn't have a good time?

Selma

I didn't say that.

Harry

You said you got home early.

Selma

I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon. Ready when you are!