Mac Robinson quotes from Night Court

Mac

First case sir, People vs. Trixie Dubois. She's charged with prostitution.

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan

Ah yes, sir, familiar story: boy meets girl, girl asks for a C-note, boy flashes badge, girl offers discount, boy busts girl.

Harry

Ain't love grand?

Mac

Uh-huh.

Mac

Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.

Christine

Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?

Roz

Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...

Hello, it's us.

Harry

Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?

Mac

They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.

Harry

509?

Mac

Uh-huh.

Harry

B?

Mac

Yep.

Harry

I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.

Dan

Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.

Harry

Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.

Christine

Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.

Harry

So all the would-be chicks are now...

Dan

Quiche, yes sir.

Mac

Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

Harry

Gangway!

Don't worry! Don't worry, he's all right. The girl scouts broke his fall.

Dan

Are you out of your mind?! I could go to jail for impersonating a judge!

Mac

Hey, it's on the phone! Nobody's gonna know.

Dan

Why me?

Mac

Well... because it's sneaky, and underhanded, and deceitful(?)

Dan

[nods] ...Nobody does it better.

Roz

Come back in here, Dan.

Dan

No!

Christine

You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Dan

Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.

Christine

Bull?

Bull

Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Dan

Yes!

Bull

Gooooooood.

Mac

Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

Harry

Bull!

Bull

Mind if I smoke?

Christine

Doctor, is he all right?

That depends. What did he look like before?

Mac

Just like that.

Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.

Harry

Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

Bull

But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan

Really? You look dead on your feet.

Dan

Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

Dan

Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.

Harry

All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.

Dan

When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."

Christine

Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...

SEVEN HOURS?

Dan

My God, man, how do you do it?

[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!

Dan

[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]

Mac

Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?

Dan

What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?

[a prostitute] You'd be surprised.

Harry

Maybe... maybe we should rub him and try to get circulation going.

Wrong, exactly wrong! You do that and he'll be shedding skin faster than a frog on a cheese grater!

Harry

Are you sure?

You don't spend twelve years on the street without learning how to deal with exposure.

Harry

What do we do?

First we strip him!

Mac

[contemplates Bull] Oh, mercy...

Dan

You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

Dan

DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine

The man is proud of it.

Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry

Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine

You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

No, it's...

Dan

Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

[smiles] ...Reinhold.

"Reinhold"?

Dan

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan

No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine

By total volume or percentage?

Dan

Raw tonnage.

Christine

What?

Dan

Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.

Mac

Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac

First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan

[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan

[a la Curly] Soitenly!

Harry

People versus?

Mac

Wagner.

Harry

Prostitution?

Mac

Positively.

Harry

Prosecution?

Dan

Pictures.

Christine

Objection!

Harry

Grounds?

Christine

Entrapment.

Dan

Ridiculous.

Harry

Reason?

Dan

Witnesses.

Harry

Overruled.

Christine

Darn.

Harry

Plea?

Guilty.

Harry

Motion?

Christine

Leniency?

Harry

Granted.

Christine

Fine?

Harry

Fifty.

Christine

Finished.

Dan

Freebie?

Forget it.

Harry

How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull

I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry

"Oxymoron".

Bull

If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry

No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine

"Bitter sweet."

Dan

"Free love."

Bull

I understand.

Mac

Yeah, that's a good one too.