Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Dan

Oh, baby... call me a "tool of the special interests" again.

Dan

Ah yes, poor Dan. Most of his friends think he's guilty. [Evil laugh] What am I laughing at? I'm Dan. No, I'm not. Now, I am the Phantom of the Courthouse. And no, Inspector Pepitone, you will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because there is no justice in this building. Not yet anyway. But soon I will remedy that, I will vanquish the guilty! I will punish the wicked! [Rushes to the desk] I will take this stapler because I need one. I will raid the refrigerator [evil laugh] because the Phantom's lair is short on half and half! Now I must prepare, because my time is near. The time of... the Phantom! [Evil Laugh, runs into the couch] Ouch! The Phantom banged his shin. I'll have to take that out... on someone.

Dan

How did you get appointed to the bench?

Harry

You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.

Lana

You mean you were appointed a judge because…

Harry

I was home.

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

Lana

[shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?

Harry

I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.

Dan

Your Honor, this is highly irregular.

Harry

Thanks. Court's recessed.

Lana

You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?

Harry

Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.

Lana

Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Harry

I'm sure there must be.

Lana

Like what?

Liz

He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.

Bull

Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.

Dan

You will already be none the wiser.

Dan

So Craven prints it, now what's the worst that can happen?

Harry

Well I'd be publicly disgraced, making it impossible for me to function effectively as a judge. I'd have to step down.

Dan

Right, but you've still got your health. I'm sorry. I've never tried to cheer up anybody before.

Harry

Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?

Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.

Lana

I'll get those paper bags now.

When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?

Dan

Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.

Harry

You know my Uncle Otto?

Of course.

Harry

Then I take it we have met.

A long time ago.

Harry

I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.

Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.

Harry

Ms. Brandon?

Harry, I'm your mother.

Harry

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Lana

[after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.

Dan

Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?

Harry

Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?

Lana

Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.

Dan

Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.

Liz

Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.

Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.

Dan

Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?

Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...

Liz

Objection, Your Honor.

Harry

Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

Harry

Who have we got here?

Dan

You tell him. [nudges his client]

I am known by many names.

Liz

Pick one and tell it to the judge.

I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.

Harry

[to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?

I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.

Dan

Good choice.

Harry

To what do we owe this visit?

The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.

Harry

I give. How strange?

Dan

He trashed a diner.

Harry

Any particular reason?

Dan

Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."

It's better when I do it.

Dan

Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

Dan

I am depressed.

Liz

Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.

Selma

That ought to perk him up.

Harry

[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana

Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan

I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz

I'm not leaving either.

Dan

Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry

Liz!

Liz

This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]

Harry

The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.

Liz

So how many--?

Harry

Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.

Dan

Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.

Harry

Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.

May I remove my coat, Your Honor?

Harry

Sure.

No!

Harry

Miss Williams?

Dan

Your Honor, the charge.

Harry

"Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?

That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.

Harry

All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.

That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.

Dan

Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."

Don't you see? Our clothing inhibits us, people. Nudity allows us to be open to each other.

Harry

Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.

All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.

Harry

Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.

Harry

What’s next, Mac?

Mac

Do the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?

Dan

Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.

Bull

Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.

Harry

Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.

Mac

That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.

Dan

Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.

Harry

…Next case, Mac?

Mac

…Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.

Harry

Bull, call them in.

Bull

Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]

Dan

Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.

Harry

In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.

She took my money, and she won’t give it back.

I have a strict no-refund policy.

Dan

Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.

Billie

He’s a pervert.

Dan

Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.

Billie

Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]

Harry

This is a shopping list.

This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.

They're in season.

You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?

Harry

No, I don’t.

He wanted me to smear it...

Harry

All right. One hour meal break.