Dan Fielding quotes from Night Court

Dan Fielding

You know that crazy stuff that we all carry around inside of us? That stuff that eats little holes in your brain and churns at your insides? That stuff that you know you cannot possibly tell another living human being. [pause] I can tell her. And she listens, and she understands. And she says, "It's alright." [repeats for emphasis] "It's alright." [sighs] ...and, it is. Poof! Just like your magic, Harry! She makes my problems disappear! My anxieties subside. God's in His Heaven, and all is right in the world. There's nowhere to go but up! Look for the silver lining; don't give up the ship! And I'll be damned if that's not what each and every one of us is looking for. And I happened to find mine, so the best of luck to the rest of you. Ladies and gentlemen, a small peek into the guts of Dan Fielding: no cover, no minimum.

At least I'm not some blue-nosed hypocrite who talks real righteous, but gets his mail in plain brown wrappers!

Listen, you, I don't have to take your kind of filth!

Harry Stone

[pounding gavel] All right, sit down, Mr. Bloom...

What's the matter, Fish Face? The truth hurt?

Not as much as my fist!

Dan Fielding

Nice catch.

Bull Shannon

You want him removed from the courtroom, Your Honor?

Harry Stone

I don't that'll be necessary, will it, Mr. Bloom?

I just want to leave here with the same number of fingers I came in with.

Mac

The people from that "clothing optional" building are in your office. They're staging a protest.

Dan Fielding

All of them?

Mac

She's in there, too, Dan.

Dan Fielding

[smiles] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Dan Fielding

Look, I am sorry you were born... that way.

That's exactly what my father said. Just before he left.

Harry Stone

Your father left?

I guess it was rough on him. His friends' sons played baseball. His carried the water bucket. His friends' sons played football. His carried the water bucket. To this day, I go crazy every time I go by a drinking fountain!

Dan Fielding

You mean your father walked out on you just because you were... petite?

The night before he left, I heard him tell my mother that it was his fault. He said that I was a punishment from God. But my mother was an intelligent and caring woman. And she finally explained it to me, that it wasn't my inadequacies he couldn't deal with.

It was his own.

Dan Fielding

[guiltily] Is it true you can hang yourself with your own belt?

Harry Stone

You can do it with your own words.

Dan Fielding

[stands] Vincent, I am truly sorry for everything that I said and did. You may shoot me in the vital organ of your choice.

Apology accepted. I'll get back to you on which organ.

Dan Fielding

You're taking me back?

Yes. Because I think you're being sincere. Also, I've seen your conviction record. You're good.

But most of all I'm taking you back because it will give me the opportunity to make your life a LIVING HELL! You think you're a tough customer? Well, move over, Buster! Because I'm the toughest, I'm the meanest, I'm the nastiest little man God ever put on this earth! I'm going to make you run, I'm going to make you jump, I am going to make you slither on the ground like a snake!

Dan Fielding

GOD BLESS YOU!

I don't understand him.

Harry Stone

Neither do I. But together we can have some fun abusing him until we do.

Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding

My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

Dan Fielding

[running a lint roller along the inside of his suit's pants thigh] Admit it: this arouses you, doesn't it?

Christine

[deadpan] Oh, yes. I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing you right here, you Nordic god.