Christine Sullivan quotes from Night Court

Dan

The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry

What did he do?

He talked to us.

Christine

Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry

What is that weapon?

Christine

...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry

People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

We don't get the guns back?

Harry

[giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Christine

Daddy, what happened?

Jack Sullivan

I got caught with a hooker.

Parents say the darnedest things, don't they?

Christine

[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry

[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine

I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry

You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.

[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull

[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry

Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull

How did you know it was me?

You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan

[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry

I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le

[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine

Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le

Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Mac

[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Mac

Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?

Bull

They're all people... I've never heard of.

Harry

[bangs gavel] Next.

Christine

Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.

Bull

What things?

Harry

[bangs gavel again] Next.

Dan

[to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!

Dan

I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.

Christine

[giggling] Let me tell him.

Dan

Tell me what?

Christine

It was Bull's.

Dan

AAH!

Dan

[without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...

Dan

Money or revenge?

Bull

Revenge.

Bull

Thank yoooooooou.

Christine

Uh, excuse me sir, about my client...

Oh, right. Hang him.

Christine

He stole an Eskimo Pie, sir.

Christine

You work in the building? Funny, I've never seen you.

Well... to be honest, I was told to stay away from this floor. [Bull enters, wearing a full-sized gas mask.] Mind you, I have nothing to base that on.

Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.

Dan

Thanks. Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.

Dan

It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence

And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry

Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!

Christine

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!

Mac

Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan

You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry

...It was?

Dan

[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac

You knew we all called!

Dan

Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine

[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence

Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

Bull

Skip, why'd you do it? You were free. [Skip, an orangutan, pets Bull under his chin] Oh, I understand.

Christine

What did he say?!

Bull

He says he gave himself up for me. He says he weighed the options and decided that my career was more important, considering the steadily increasing competition in the urban job markets in addition to the unpredictable cost-of-living fluctuations in most free-enterprise industrial nations. Of course, I'm paraphrasing.

Harry

That is a desperately sick lie!

Christine

That... is the truth.

Harry

Mac, say it ain't so.

Mac

It's so.

Bull

This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan

Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry

Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz

My mother was a show business freak.

Harry

Ah.

Roz

I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine

Oh, the poor thing.

Roz

That's what my brother says.

Harry

Your brother...?

Roz

Slappy.

Bull

Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz

My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.

Bull

Your brother...?

Roz

Topo Gigio.

Dan

You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...

Mmm.

Christine

[storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!

[leaving] Let the good times roll.

[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.

Christine

He's just here for a minor operation.

[smiles] I'll check back later.

Dan

Yeah, over my dead body.

It's a date!

Dan

Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Christine

Your Honor, would you please this man I'm not a pervert?

Harry

[starts to speak, but turns back] How are we defining pervert?

Christine

Sir!

Look, folks. Pervert, prude! It's not my job to label people. Wait a minute... [pulls out toe-tag] I guess it is! [laughs]

Dan

...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.

Christine

He was merely protecting his wife!

Dan

Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.

My Louisville slugger.

[tilting his head] What?

Dan

SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!