Lana Wagner quotes from Night Court

Dan

How did you get appointed to the bench?

Harry

You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.

Lana

You mean you were appointed a judge because…

Harry

I was home.

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.

Lana

[shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?

Harry

I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.

Dan

Your Honor, this is highly irregular.

Harry

Thanks. Court's recessed.

Lana

You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?

Harry

Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.

Lana

Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.

Harry

I'm sure there must be.

Lana

Like what?

Liz

He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.

Bull

Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.

Dan

You will already be none the wiser.

Harry

What's next?

Lana

Next we have a rather unusual case, Your Honor.

Harry

What's the problem?

She's a slut.

He's an animal.

Harry

Off the top of my head, marital problems?

Lana

Not quite, Your Honor. They never finished the ceremony.

Harry

Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?

Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.

Lana

I'll get those paper bags now.

When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?

Dan

Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.

Harry

You know my Uncle Otto?

Of course.

Harry

Then I take it we have met.

A long time ago.

Harry

I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.

Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.

Harry

Ms. Brandon?

Harry, I'm your mother.

Harry

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Lana

[after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.

Dan

Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?

Harry

Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?

Lana

Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.

Dan

Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.

Liz

Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.

Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.

Dan

Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?

Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...

Liz

Objection, Your Honor.

Harry

Sustained. But damn well put, sir.

[About Harry] What a guy.

Lana

What were you two talking about?

The judge and I were having a personal discussion.

Lana

How personal?

What business is it of yours?

Lana

You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.

Oh, but I suppose he's your type.

Lana

He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.

Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.

Lana

Physical stimulation is not enough.

I won't use gadgets.

Lana

That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.

What?

Lana

The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.

You need a map.

Lana

I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.

Liz

Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.

Lana

You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.

Liz

That does make it easier.

Selma

Slow down.

Lana

I feel great. Thanks. Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working. I don't feel so drained anymore. You know, I feel vigorous ... like I could ride my bike around the park.

Selma

You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.

Lana

Really? Does it have one of those little machines on it that measures your blood pressure and your pulse rate?

Selma

Used to, but I took it off.

Lana

Why?

Selma

Make room for the ashtray.

Harry

[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.

Lana

Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.

Dan

I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.

Liz

I'm not leaving either.

Dan

Will you listen to yourselves, people?

Harry

Liz!

Liz

This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]