Roz Russell quotes from Night Court

Roz

[at Dan's funeral] The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot-licking, no-good sack of slime in a $500 suit. His every action had an ulterior motive: if Dan gave you the shirt off his back you could bet that his pants and underwear would soon follow.

Bull

This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan

Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry

Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz

My mother was a show business freak.

Harry

Ah.

Roz

I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine

Oh, the poor thing.

Roz

That's what my brother says.

Harry

Your brother...?

Roz

Slappy.

Bull

Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz

My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.

Bull

Your brother...?

Roz

Topo Gigio.

Dan

Don't let on. I have a pack of C-H-U-C-K-L-E-S.

Chuckles?! [They corner Dan] Chuckles?!

Dan

No way, Porky! These are mine. [One wrestler speaks angry Japanese] What do you think he's saying?

Roz

I don't know, but I think it's something about singing soprano in the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Dan

I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...

Roz

Run for your lives, girls!

Harry

Better safe than sorry, guys!

Roz

[deadpan] Quite a day today.

Mac

[deadpan] Yep, quite a day. We almost had a wedding here.

Roz

Yep, almost. But we didn't.

Harry

You've all gone through a lot to reach here. You've learned our history, our culture, our secret handshake...

Harry

Well, you have learned our secret handshake, haven't you?

Harry

Ha-ha-ha! No, there's no secret handshake! I was just kidding!

I stuffed myself into the dashboard of a Datsun to get here, and he's kidding?

Roz

It's his inalienable right to make an ass of himself.

God, he's good!

Mac

Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.

Christine

Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?

Roz

Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...

Roz

Come back in here, Dan.

Dan

No!

Christine

You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Dan

Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.

Christine

Bull?

Bull

Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Dan

Yes!

Bull

Gooooooood.

Mac

Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

Roz

You doing anything tomorrow night?

Christine

Tomorrow night? No.

Roz

You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?

Christine

Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.

Roz

Who said anything about watching?

Christine

...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!

Roz

Hey, what are you two doing up here? [looks over the edge] But then again, what the hell am I doing up here? [laughs]

Harry

The paramedics are on their way. In the meantime, they told us not to do anything that might upset her.

Roz

That's right. Otherwise it's one small step for Roz... one giant splat for mankind! [laughs]

Roz

[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." [sarcastic] Par-ty!

Dan

Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry

No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if that means that occasionally, she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Roz

[sympathetically] Poor thing. She's probably too upset to even have the party now.

Harry

Not a chance.

Roz

Damn!

Dan

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan

No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine

By total volume or percentage?

Dan

Raw tonnage.

Christine

What?

Dan

Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.

Mac

Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac

Sir, I cannot believe you didn't take the challenge!

Roz

Where is your pride?

Christine

Rip his guts out and use 'em for garters, sir! [off their looks] Metaphorically speaking, Your Honor.

Harry

Don't you guys understand? I-I don't want to beat Cleaver. I just want to spend my few remaining years in... peaceful contemplation. [beeping] What's that?

Roz

It's coming from Cleaver's briefcase.

Harry

I'M GONNA WASTE THE SUCKER!

Harry

Miss Sullivan, in this case I happen to think Dan is more qualified.

Christine

Why, because he has a pair of... [notices Roz staring at her] ...pants?

Roz

[disappointed] Chicken!