Scenes with Bull Shannon 54
[Dirk, the shy bailiff arrives]
BullWhat is it, Dirk?
DDirk
Prisoner's manifest. Oh, I took Grayson down to Women's detention.
Bull
WOMEN'S detention?
DDirk
No. There was a dress.
Bull
It was a man wearing a dress.
Didn't you notice the mustache, and three day's growth?
DDirk
Well, I thought she was rather...severe looking.
Bull
Where is he now?
DDirk
Right below us, room 1706.
1706? Isn't that where they do the...
Bull
Strip search.
SMr Slotkin
Where I come from, we don't have any courts or jails. Or police, or even any laws!
Bull
Jersey. Been there.
[At the restaurant's costume party after Harry dumped a witch]
[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...
[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?
I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.
You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.
[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.
Bull
[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?
Sure Bull, I'll have some.
Bull
How did you know it was me?
You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]
[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?
I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.
[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?
Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?
Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."
[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!
Okay, Bull, what do Renée Richards, Christine Jorgensen, and Myra Breckinridge all have in common?
Bull
They're all people... I've never heard of.
Okay. Once upon a time, there was a mommy bird and a daddy bird. And one day, the daddy bird decided that he wanted to be a mommy bird. So he flew all the way to Sweden to a special clinic where they change things.
Bull
What things?
[bangs gavel again] Next.
Bull
[holding a paper doll of a naked man] This is anatomically correct.
Bull
Now, what happened to Chip? [Harry snips off the bottom half and staples it back in a higher position] Oh, my God.
Kinda reminds you of when you found out about the Easter Bunny, huh?
Bull
What about the Easter Bunny?
[to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!
[He calms down, and turns to Harry.]
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.
[giggling] Let me tell him.
[Behind him, Bull rises slowly to his feet.]
[without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...
[Harry and Christine nod. Dan turns and jumps when he sees Bull looming there.]
Bull
Revenge.
[Dan takes off his watch and places it on the table, then removes his shoe and uses the heel to smash the watch as hard as he can, then holds it up for inspection.]
Bull
Thank yoooooooou.
RRenee
Your Honor, may I address the court?
JHJudge Harold T. Stone
Listen, I don't--
Renee (interrupts him, turning to the galley): I...am a hooker.
Bull
Renee, don't.
Renee (continues): You see, I degrade myself for money because...I don't like myself very much.
Bull
Please...
Renee (continues): No, that's, that's not entirely true (voice cracking tearfully): I don't like myself at all. (pauses to keep from crying, gestures to Bull): And this man...made me feel like a princess. And do you know why? (no one answers, her pleas become more desperate and strained from trying not to cry): You know why? Well, I don't know why, either. (finally falls to the floor, sobbing): Can somebody please tell me why?!
Bull
Skip, why'd you do it? You were free. [Skip, an orangutan, pets Bull under his chin] Oh, I understand.
Bull
He says he gave himself up for me. He says he weighed the options and decided that my career was more important, considering the steadily increasing competition in the urban job markets in addition to the unpredictable cost-of-living fluctuations in most free-enterprise industrial nations. Of course, I'm paraphrasing.
Bull
My mother used to tell me that thunder was just the sound God makes when he gets a strike in bowling.
That's cute. What happened when you found out?
Bull
When I found out what?
[crash of thunder]
Bull
Gosh, He's good.
Bull
This is Rozalind Russell.
Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.
My mother was a show business freak.
I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.
That's what my brother says.
[a few minutes later, when Harry receives his mother's letter]
Bull
Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.
My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.
Bull
Your brother...?
Bull
It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.
[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?
Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."
"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."
[Christine looks beneath the trench coat she's wearing, and shrieks. Dan pulls her undergarments out of his pocket.]
Better to be safe than sorry.
Now, believe it or not, I really understand how you feel?
Bull
No, you don't.
Yeah, I was what you'd call a lonely kind of kid. I was never invited to the cool parties. Nobody asked me to join the popular clubs.
Bull
Well, I'm one up on you there. I was asked to join the most popular club in high school.
Bull
Yeah. Eight of us were selected to go through the initiation. And all we had to do to join was... shave our heads before we showed up for the junior prom. So I did. And when I walked into the gym to meet my date...
You were the only one who'd shaved his head.
Bull
I was only 16, Harry. Unsure of myself. Worried like most adolescents about the way I looked anyway. And there I stood. Humiliated. In front of what was for me, at the time, the whole world. I wanted to kill myself. And then I wanted to kill them.
Just like Bully the Dragon.
Bull
Yeah, only I didn't live happily ever after.
Bull
This is an introductory poem for the new book I wrote.
Some monsters roar and shake the ground with fury as they tread.
But I never actually met a beast who truly wished me dead.
Oh, sure, their ugly faces and steely eyes can scare.
But they never seem to be more mean than the ferocious teddy bear.
So I guess it's true, like the covers of the books of this story, it's only a part.
That the monster's face never gives you a clue to the love that's in his heart.
Well, I'd say the real Bull Shannon just showed up.
Bull
Thanks.
What're you gonna call your book?
Bull
The Snake Pit of Chucky's Mind.
[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
ABAlice Beeker
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
ABAlice Beeker
Many are called, but few are frozen.
ABAlice Beeker
His sperm is slow and immature.
[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
Bull
[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
ABAlice Beeker
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
ABAlice Beeker
Sixty million per cc.
ABAlice Beeker
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
ABAlice Beeker
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
LHLorna Huebner
Your Honor, my father's dying words were, "No matter what, don't make me go with Arlene."
AHArlene Huebner
Why, you lying...!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "Dying words"? Is Dad dead?
Dan As a kipper on a cracker! [shocked looks] I'm sorry to say.
Well, the way you were just talking about him, I kind of got the impression that he was, you know, here.
Bull
He is, Your Honor.
[Bull holds up a small urn and places it on Harry's desk.]
Bull
This is Mr. Huebner.
Gee, he's a lot shorter than I pictured.
Night Court · 239 quotes
