Bull Shannon quotes from Night Court

Bull

Your Honor, the Hubner sisters are waiting to see you.

Harry

Herb's kids? What do they want?

Bull

Apparently they settled their differences and had some kind of reconciliation.

Harry

So what about the ashes?

Bull

They say whatever you decide to do with them is fine with both of them.

Harry

[picks up the urn] Oh. Well, okay. I hadn't really... [opens the urn] Hey, this thing's empty!

Oh that, yeah I'm sorry, Your Honor, I had to use that herb tea to test the coffee maker.

Harry

Art, this wasn't herb tea! This was Herb!

Please, let me go! Let me out of here!

Bull

Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.

You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!

Christine

Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!

Christine

I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?

Dan

Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.

I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.

Christine

Oh, you poor thing!

Dan

Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!

Christine

You had a shotgun?

A little one.

Dan

The term is "sawed-off"!

Roz

Come back in here, Dan.

Dan

No!

Christine

You can't stay out there forever, Dan.

Dan

Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.

Christine

Bull?

Bull

Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?

Dan

Yes!

Bull

Gooooooood.

Mac

Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.

Harry

Bull!

Bull

Mind if I smoke?

Christine

Doctor, is he all right?

That depends. What did he look like before?

Mac

Just like that.

Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.

Harry

Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.

Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.

Bull

But I'm feeling much better now.

Dan

Really? You look dead on your feet.

Dan

Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?

It's a miracle he wasn't even hurt. With the voltage he absorbed, it must have been like French-kissing a light socket.

Bull

No, that feels different.

Harry

Any sign of Christine?

Bull

[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.

Christine

Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!

Harry

How the hell do you lose a dead body?

Bull

He outsmarted me, sir.

Dan

I don't think any further explanation is necessary.

Bull

Sir, your new bowling ball is ready.

Harry

Oh, swell! [pulls out the ball, painted like a giant eyeball] Ha-ha!

Christine

My God, when people see that rolling down the aisle, they're gonna throw up their pretzels.

Bull

Sorry, guess she wasn't interested.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I... I don't know.

Harry

How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull

I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry

"Oxymoron".

Bull

If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry

No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine

"Bitter sweet."

Dan

"Free love."

Bull

I understand.

Mac

Yeah, that's a good one too.

Christine

You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Bull

What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Dan

Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Christine

You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan

It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac

Get out!

Dan

No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull

Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

[to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat] "U.S. Army sad to say that sometime yesterday/ Captain Fielding's plane went down north of Hudson Bay."

Christine

[reading] "Although a body has not been found, he is presumed dead at the scene."

Bull

[singing] Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is but a dream!

Christine

Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz

[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

Bull

[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Mac

Oh, yeah.

Harry

Hey, Bull! [stands up straight with his fists on his hips] Who am I?

Bull

...You're Superman.

Harry

No, no, I mean in real life.

Bull

Oh, Clark Kent.