Scenes with Christine Sullivan 59
[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!
ABAlice Beeker
Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.
ChristineDan, what happened?
ABAlice Beeker
Many are called, but few are frozen.
Christine
They rejected you? Why?
ABAlice Beeker
His sperm is slow and immature.
Christine
[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.
That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?
[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]
Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?
ABAlice Beeker
Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.
ABAlice Beeker
Sixty million per cc.
ABAlice Beeker
You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?
ABAlice Beeker
It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.
Christine
...Dan?
I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.
What have we got left, Mac?
Last case, felony drunk driving, sir.
Felony! All we gotta do is turn that over to the grand jury. We could still make it!
Christine
I'm afraid not, Your Honor. My client refuses to waive the reading of the information.
[grabbing defendant's jacket] You what?!
But the formal charge goes on and on and on.
Christine
Unfortunately, word got out that anyone not arraigned before midnight was set free.
Oh, well, that's it. We're finished.
[takes charge from bench] No, we're not. Not as long as I got a chance to sleep with Matilda the Hun, we're not. Hold on. [takes a deep breath and reads rapidly as an onscreen clock hits 11:59:11 PM] "Count one: The undersigned declared in complaint states without prejudice the city did inform the police department of such information that they prepared a police statement upon November 11, 1986, in the public judicial city of New York, New York state of a prima violation of 23152 of the New York Vehicle Municipal Code that the defendant did willfully and unlawfully, while under the influence of alcoholic beverage, intended to drive the vehicle. Count two: Further, there is a separated complaint being of different cause but of the same class to answer the character of the information being set forth the court prepared in complaint and setting forth the information that the police had the information and belief saying that the state and judicial city of New York, in the state of New York in violation of 23152 of the vehicle code, a misdemeanor was committed when the defendant did willfully and unlawfully while 1.0% or more blood weight of alcohol did drive the vehicle." The end! [Finished at 11:59:40 PM. Harry and Mac are shocked, Christine is impressed] My god, man, gavel!
Oh, yeah, yeah. Held over for a grand jury! Court adjourned! [Bangs gavel at 11:59:59 PM]
Christine
Are you two done mentally undressing my friend?
[He and Harry close their eyes and lean back their heads, smiling blissfully.]
[on a busy night at the hospital, a podiatrist is sent to Mac and Quon Le's hospital room, while she is in labor]
DADoctor Aidleman
Good lord, this woman is pregnant!
Christine
Oh, don't tell me you've never delivered a baby before?
DADoctor Aidleman
[sarcastic] Well, just how many people who aren't obstetricians have?
[raised hands from Christine, Harry, Mac, Bull, and Dan (a reference to Season Three's "Hurricane: Part 2")]
DADoctor Aidleman
What are you? Some kind of a cult?
Dan's still trying to put on a good face for the Mayor's judicial selection committee.
Christine
Yesterday he actually taught a civics class at an orphanage. Can you picture Dan in a roomful of little kids?
Yeah. Ransacking their little lunch boxes for milk money...
BWBob Wheeler
Hello, it's us.
Bob and June Wheeler, ya Yugoslavian recidivist knuckleheads, you! What the heck brings you by?
They were picked up on a 509-B violation, sir.
I don't believe I'm familiar with that one.
Well, sir, it's not used in Manhattan very much. It refers to the illegal detonation of... poultry.
Excuse me, but I didn't think that chickens were among our more widely-used explosives.
Christine
Sir, the Wheelers were merely trying their hand at egg-farming. They ran into a bit of difficulty with a propane-powered incubator.
So all the would-be chicks are now...
[Dan is throwing a tantrum over being passed over for a judicial appointment.]
Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job!
Christine
Dan...
[to the courtroom] All right, who wants to share gas to Florida? Show yourself now!
[A flasher stands up and, taking Dan literally, opens his trench coat. Dan mulls it over for a second.]
...Okay, but you gotta ride in the back.
Christine
There's got to be a way to get your job back!
Like what? Like it turns out I'm on Dallas and I've been dreaming all this?
[on Christine's first day as a judge, Bull brings in the next defendant, who is sobbing piteously]
FMr. Fengler
Please, let me go! Let me out of here!
Sir, please calm down. You're among friends. Friends who wear badges, and search your body cavities, but friends nonetheless.
FMr. Fengler
You don't understand, this is a mistake, please, somebody help me!
Christine
Oh, don't worry, sir, I'll help you!
[everyone stares at her]
Christine
I-I mean, I'll do everything in my power to see that you receive a fair trial. Um, Mr. Prosecutor?
Yes, Your Honor, Ye Olde Town Crier here robbed yon convenience store, and stuffed the booty in his jerkin, forsooth.
FMr. Fengler
I'm sorry, I just haven't had a square meal in days, and when I saw all that food in the window, I snapped.
Christine
Oh, you poor thing!
Oh yes, the poor thing almost had to eat the shotgun he had with him!
Christine
You had a shotgun?
FMr. Fengler
A little one.
[Dan is shown hiding on the sill of the window outside Harry's office]
Christine
You can't stay out there forever, Dan.
Why not? I've got a great view of the park, fresh air... [looks at the pigeon perched on his shoulder] Fresh poultry.
Christine
Bull?
Dan, are you going to make me do this the hard way?
[He seizes Dan by his belt and hauls him inside.]
Just be glad it was your belt, Dan.
[Bull was just struck by lightning. He is found on the couch, his clothes still smoking]
Christine
Doctor, is he all right?
DDoctor
That depends. What did he look like before?
DDoctor
Well, then he's fine. Spooky, but fine.
Fine? Art said his heart stopped beating.
DDoctor
Well yes, for a few minutes he was clinically deceased.
But I'm feeling much better now.
Really? You look dead on your feet.
[He laughs; glares from everyone]
Oh, come on. If we can't laugh at the walking dead, who can we laugh at?
[Harry, Dan, Mac, and Bull track Roz and Christine to a male strip club, worrying that the place is too rough for Christine.]
[craning his neck] No. Of course, I could see a lot better if it weren't for that crazy bimbo dancing on the table.
[At second glance, the "crazy bimbo" turns out to be Christine, playing a snake-charming tune on a kazoo while "Sinbad the Snake Charmer" dances onstage.]
Christine
Come on, Sinbad, make that thing MOVE!
You doing anything tomorrow night?
Christine
Tomorrow night? No.
You ever see tag-team mud wrestling on cable TV?
Christine
Oh, Roz, I really don't like to watch those things.
Who said anything about watching?
Christine
...WE'LL KICK THEIR BUTTS!
Mr. Shibata was caught "rolling for dollars" with these three rarely-upstanding women.
All three? That's illegal... and quite impressive.
When he was apprehended, he had a fifty-gallon drum of soy sauce, and they were in the middle of something called the "Sukiyaki Slam-Bam."
Christine
Uh, sir, while neighbors and adjoining rooms did complain for over seven hours, I believe that...
DHDan/Harry/Mac
SEVEN HOURS?
[Mr. Shibata bows; Mac, Harry, and Dan all bow lower.]
My God, man, how do you do it?
SMr. Shibata
[thumps his chest] Every day, I swim ten miles, eat one hundred oysters, and sit in a barrel of pickle brine!
[to stenographer] You got that? [she nods]
Christine
[regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.
Christine
[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well...The Little Engine That Could.
Night Court · 239 quotes
