Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Christine

You know, Dan, you could get into a lot of trouble for impersonating a military officer.

Dan

It just so happens that I am an officer in the United States Army Reserves.

Mac

Get out!

Dan

No, it's true. In fact, I've been in the Reserves for five years. I mean, it's no big deal. One weekend a month, two weeks every summer...

Bull

Like going to the bathroom. [stares from everyone] ...What?

Now, start by making a small incision across her abdomen.

Dan

All right... there! That wasn't so bad.

Nice, very nice. Now, this time, let's try to actually break the skin.

Dan

Okay... yeah, you know, this isn't so hard, it's really... [gasp] Ugh! Blood!

[annoyed] Inside a human, well, don't that beat all?

Dan

[chuckles] Well, maybe a little enthusiastic...

Dan

Yeah? Uh, listen, how exactly are we defining "homicidal"?

Dan

[into phone] Uh, Harry? [screaming] HELLLLLP!

[yanks the phone cord out of the wall] Sorry... wrong number.

Dan

Tell you what. If you feel up to it, I know a place around the corner that serves a great cappuccino. And if we get there before eleven, you can watch me wrestle a live, large Swede woman.

Christine

Maybe not all in one night.

Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.

Roz

In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?

Dan

Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."

Roz

Are you laughing at me, Dan?

Dan

[laughing] Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

Roz

Pick a body cavity, Dan.

Okay, I'm ready. You can send in the next couple.

Dan

So tell me, Doc. What are you trying to do with these gauges and meters and stuff?

We are trying to isolate the trigger mechanisms that stimulate human sexual arousal.

Dan

Couple of pina coladas and my hormones will be wearing party hats, babe.

Mr. Fielding, these experiments are of a serious and professional nature.

Dan

Well, Dr. Malloy, I'll have you know that I have logged thousands of hours of field experience covering the entire range of tacto-physiokinetic responses in relation to... Whoa! Here are the naked people.

We call them subjects.

Dan

[grabs microphone] Let the games begin!

Mac

So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry

Ah, the legend lives.

Roz

[holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.

Dan

Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!

Roz

These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.

Dan

[takes it] Well, every vote counts.

Roz

"Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."

Dan

Ah-ha. An undecided.

What're you in for?

Dan

Uh, contempt of court. You?

Oh, we're just in for a little terror-and-mayhem spree 'tween here and South Carolina.

[jauntily] Eight robberies, six stolen cars, four kidnappings, and three mini marts... [noogies Dan in the stomach] burned to the ground!

Dan

Ted, we had so little time to talk. Did Christine tell you that I'm running for state assembly?

Yes, and I plan to give you every consideration.

Dan

Damn it, man, I need money!

I'm sorry, I never contribute to political campaigns. When you're in land development, it looks like you're currying favors.

Dan

Listen, if elected, I promise I won't do anything for you.

I'm sure you'll find support somewhere.

Dan

You bet I will! But I wouldn't be running for public office if I didn't think there was somebody out there who'd want to buy me!

Dan

[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!

Christine

I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.

Dan

I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!

Roz

[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

Dan

I just came by to tell everybody that the victory party is off.

Christine

Oh Dan, I'm so sorry. I know how much the election meant to you.

Dan

There'll be other elections. Maybe next time I'll even get you to vote for me.

Christine

Well, that depends. Do you think you'll be facing Joan Hobson again?

Dan

[smiles] I certainly hope so. [kisses her cheek] Goodnight, Christine.

Christine

[surprised] Goodnight, Dan.

Mac

What's that?

Roz

Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.

Mac

[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these? [They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.] Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?

Dan

[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

Dan

Your Honor, the defendants were arrested after a disturbance that erupted during a seminar on "Androids on Starfleet Command Vehicles"... Don't you guys ever just get loaded and hire a stripper?

Old Trekker

Captain Kirk would never have allowed androids on the bridge! Rules are rules.

New Trekker

Oh, yeah? He didn't seem to have any trouble breaking the Prime Directive anytime he felt like it!

Old Trekker

Go suck on a Tribble!

New Trekker

Go sit on a phaser!