Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Dan

Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.

Roz

How do you know that?

Dan

A little birdie told me.

Christine

Dan, you heard that from Bull!

Dan

All right, a huge bald condor told me.

Christine

Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?

Dan

[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

Harry

So, Dan, how did it go with Jordan King?

Dan

Ah, well, Harry... he's a tough customer, but I made sure he'll never forget the name Dan Fielding.

Harry

He took you to the cleaners, huh?

Dan

[slumps in his chair and whimpers] Yes.

Harry

How bad was it? [Dan hands him King's check] $9,000? That's pretty good for a piece of swampland. What'd you pay for it?

Harry

Oh, come on, Dan, so you lost a couple of bucks. One day you'll look back on this... [he stops, and compares the two papers again] ...No. Don't look back on this.

I'm looking for Fielding...

Dan

IT'S HIM, HE'S GOT A GUN!

Christine

Eat mace, bozo!

Ah, geez, lady, I'm a cop! [shows his badge]

Harry

You must be Detective Giuliano. I'm Judge Stone, the lump behind the couch is Dan Fielding. Of course you already met the lovely Christine Sullivan.

[still blinking off the mace] Charmed.

Christine

Well, what was I supposed to think? You have... doggie doo on your shoes.

I'm undercover, I put it there!

Christine

[not seeing his face] Sister? Sister please, I have a confession to make of a personal nature.

Dan

[high-pitched voice] Oh, well, why don't we come sit down over here, my child.

Christine

Thank you, sister. Oh, I'm ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a man.

Dan

Whoo! Yes, well, my child, tell me, all about it.

Christine

Well, the worst part is I was weak when a friend's life was in danger.

Dan

Yes, tut-tut, now, about this liaison, um, I need details for true forgiveness.

Christine

I don't know where to start.

Dan

Were you naked?

Christine

No! No. We just kissed.

Dan

Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

Christine

[perplexed] What?

Dan

Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

Christine

[pulls back the wimple and sees him] DAN! [starts whaling on him] DAN FIELDING, YOU BIG PERVERT!

Oh, no expert, huh? Well then, how do I know that as a child, you were called "Potato Face"?

Dan

[seizes her by the shoulders] HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHO TOLD YOU THAT? [lets go of her and composes himself] I have no idea what she's talking about.

You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron... rest his soul.

Dan

Oh? What happened to him?

He died the way men dream of dying... making love to me.

Dan

What were you doing?

Dan

[shocked] My god, that would generate forty-eight pounds of pressure per square inch!

Fifty if I stretch first. So, darling... care to try your luck?

Who's Fielding?

Dan

I am, Your Honor.

Get your butt up here and state your grievance. [Dan takes the stand.] Briefly, very briefly.

Dan

[stands and points at Wood] HE DID IT!

You may elaborate.

Dan

He comes offers me a great job. I should have suspected immediately, but he distracted me with the couch money there. He tells me his partner's son is in jail, makes him sound like an altar boy, so I decided to get him out before some biker starts calling him Baby Cakes. Well, before I find out he's a walking crime wave, it's too late. Honest.

Dan

[whispering] How'd I sound?

Harry

Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

Roz

You're broke, aren't you?

Dan

You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

Dan

Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.

Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

Dan

You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses people who don't even know me.

They were all women you slept with.

Dan

That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Dan

Yes. I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Roz

Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

Dan

I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very valuable lesson. You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you. As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while slopping hogs. I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All these years, I kept dreaming, and then suddenly, I had the opportunity to become one of you. To my own surprise, I said no. Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even any better than the pigs.

Harry

Women'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.

You've had a lot of experience, Judge?

Harry

Me? Me? Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine. Drawn. Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman.

Dan

You could make a phone call.

Harry

Yeah, but it'd be a long phone call.

Christine

Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

Harry

Why was that?

[in a heroic pose] I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Dan

[mocking VHK's pose] Well you can't, so there!

Christine

Oh, I can't believe I did such a stupid thing. I got married in an Italian restaurant! What could be more idiotic?!

Dan

Well, a chicken-and-waffle joint comes to mind.

Roz

I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.

Harry

Is there room for a person to lie down in there?

Dan

A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.

Dan

Help me.

Harry

Dan, you really got a sister?

Dan

This is true.

Bull

But you told us you were an only child.

Dan

I wanted the attention.

Christine

Gee, big age difference between the two of you.

Dan

She was kind of an accident.

Harry

Not planned, huh?

Dan

No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping Mama unload the groceries. Nine months later, a blessed event.

Mac

Fertile land, that bayou.

Dan

What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years old when I left home. I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.

Roz

How about parents?

Dan

Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle. Then what? The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.

Christine

Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.

Dan

Christine, my last words to her were, "there is no Santa Claus."

Bull

What?!

Roz

[patting his shoulder] Of course there is. Don't you listen to him.