Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Mr. Fielding, can I ask you a question?

Dan

Certainly, young lady, anything.

[sultry] Did you know I'm double-jointed?

Dan

[high-pitched] Really?

Wanna see?

Dan

Yes... [slaps himself] No! Yes... [slaps himself again] No!

Christine

[regarding Dan's impotence] Dan, you know there are several books on this subject that might be of some use to you.

Dan

Such as?

Christine

[as everyone turns their gaze on her] Well...The Little Engine That Could.

Dan

You wanna call me in here, play your little bedroom games, take shots at my manhood? That's fine! I get that all the time! All right, listen, I will admit that I couldn't afford some snooty Ivy League education. You know, but when you get your degree from the Bayou Academy of Law & Agriculture, you learn something more: a fighting sow belly has to work for what he wants, can't be afraid to get your snout dirty! You know what? I live the law every day. In the courthouses and the jails of New York City. And I may have barf in my cuffs when I get home at night. But that's the way I like it. [building] That's why I have the highest conviction rate of any DA in this city. And that's why I have the lowest percentage of overturned cases! And that's why you can say anything you want to about my manhood, but nobody, lady, nobody can touch Dan Fielding in a court of law. [throws off his jacket] Or for that matter, anywhere else!

You mean...?

Dan

[yanks off his tie] I mean, hold on to your Dixie Cups, babes! THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!

Christine

Your Honor, before we can proceed, we're going to need an order to separate. The fourth defendant isn't here. The man playing Thomas Jefferson hasn't sobered up yet.

Harry

Little bit too much Yankee Doodle Brandy?

Dan

About ten minutes ago he stuck a feather down his throat and threw up macaroni.

Get this straight, Fielding: I-don't-like-you. You're nauseating, your hair looks stupid, and you smell like Vaseline. Frankly, an evening with you would be about as much fun as draining a prostate infection.

Dan

[unperturbed] I guar-ahn-tee it.

Mac

Hey! Dan, did you burn my assembly instructions?

Dan

What's the big deal? You stick Tab A into Slot B, who can't do that?

[a prostitute] You'd be surprised.

Excuse me, Mr. Fielding?

Dan

[distracted] Just a second, Len, I'll be with you in a moment...

Dan

Hey, what the hell is this?

It's a bomb, Dan!

It's going off in thirty minutes.

[holds up a remote] Or sooner, if I push this little button.

Dan

You saved me by convincing him I was a... worthless, degenerate, piece of human... trash.

Dan

DRINKS ARE ON ME!

Christine

The man is proud of it.

Tell you one thing he's not very proud of: his name. You know he changed it?

Harry

Oh, yeah. We met his parents, we know his name used to be Ellmore.

Oh, not just his last name, his first name too.

Christine

You mean's Dan's name isn't "Dan"?

No, it's...

Dan

Uh, Ernie? Pal, buddy, friend? [makes a slashing motion across his neck]

[smiles] ...Reinhold.

"Reinhold"?

Roz

[reading her invitation] "Lords and Ladies, Christine Sullivan requests the pleasure of your company at a gala affair commemorating the sixth wedding anniversary of Prince Charles and Lady Diana." [sarcastic] Par-ty!

Dan

Listen to me, we're talking naked Italian women hanging from the ceiling!

Harry

No, you listen to me, Dan. Miss Sullivan is our friend, and if that means that occasionally, she'd like us all to get together, then we should do so cheerfully...! Even if it is excruciatingly dull and stupid.

Dan

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late!

Roz

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

Dan

No. It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see who gets the most convictions.

Christine

By total volume or percentage?

Dan

Raw tonnage.

Christine

What?

Dan

Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever convicts the most flesh by midnight wins $2,000.

Mac

Talk about living off the fat of the land.

Mac

First case, refusing an order to vacate. [a trio of nuns enter] People versus Sisters Laurie, Mo and Carla.

Dan

[a la Curly] Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!

Harry

Mr. Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Dan

[a la Curly] Soitenly!

Harry

People versus?

Mac

Wagner.

Harry

Prostitution?

Mac

Positively.

Harry

Prosecution?

Dan

Pictures.

Christine

Objection!

Harry

Grounds?

Christine

Entrapment.

Dan

Ridiculous.

Harry

Reason?

Dan

Witnesses.

Harry

Overruled.

Christine

Darn.

Harry

Plea?

Guilty.

Harry

Motion?

Christine

Leniency?

Harry

Granted.

Christine

Fine?

Harry

Fifty.

Christine

Finished.

Dan

Freebie?

Forget it.

Harry

How's the crossword puzzle going, Bull?

Bull

I need an eight-letter word for a phrase that contradicts itself.

Harry

"Oxymoron".

Bull

If you don't want to help me, Harry, just say so.

Harry

No, Bull, an oxymoron is two words that cancel each other out. You know, like, "jumbo shrimp."

Christine

"Bitter sweet."

Dan

"Free love."

Bull

I understand.

Mac

Yeah, that's a good one too.

Christine

You know, I'm starting to worry about Roz. That disciplinary hearing of hers is taking forever.

Bull

What's the big deal? Some guy started a fight in a holding cell, she yanked him out.

Dan

Perhaps the fact that she neglected to open the door first had something to do with it.

Dan

[gasps] My God! It's a Rolex.

Mac

Read the inscription.

Dan

"Dear Dan, whether you believe it or not, I think of you as a friend."

Dan

[gasps again] It's real!