Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Harry

Bull, you look depressed.

Bull

I am. My word of the month is so obscure I can't find an opportunity to use it in conversation.

Harry

What word is that?

Bull

"Pentimento."

Harry

[after a beat, turns to Dan] So how about that Jets game last night, huh?

Billie

Bull, what exactly does pentimento mean?

Bull

It's an artistic term, referring to the reappearance of original elements that had been obliterated by a new outer appearance.

Dan

You mean like that little brown shadow on top of your head that you affectionately refer to as hair?

Bull

Good example!

Do not take His name in vain, and do not lay down with beasts.

Dan

We only had drinks!

Dan

Mr. Hubbell was on his way to a seminar on subway hospitality, when he was mugged outside of City Hall.

They took everything. My wallet, my keys, my cash...

Billie

And after pleading with several passer-bys for bus fare, Mr. Hubbell attempted to panhandle from a group of Japanese tourists. They turned him down.

Harry

And?

Dan

He mugged them. Your Honor, the state wishes to submit evidence. We have affidavits from the victims, some shredded yen, and over seventy action-packed photographs of the incident.

Dan

Objection!

Harry

Overruled.

Dan

Exception!

Harry

Noted.

Dan

Frustration!

Harry

Vented.

This doesn't sound like a simple case of indigestion to me. In my opinion, you should see a doctor right away.

Billie

[confused] Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Gynecologist. [Dan bursts out laughing.] Come on, you people are lucky I happened to be eating in that place.

Harry

Well, I appreciate the help, Doc, but you're a little out of your league, aren't you?

Dan

Let's just say his league has a lower strike zone. [laughs] I'm sorry, it was so easy.

How often do you get these pains, Judge?

Harry

Oh, every now and then.

Once a week, once a day...?

Dan

You ought to let him know when they're five minutes apart, Harry. [laughs] This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!

Dan

We of the warm-blooded variety feel an adjournment is in order.

Harry

You mean shut down?

Harry

Nah!

Dan

You've got about seventeen layers of clothes on under that robe, haven't you, sir?

Harry

It's good to be the king.

Dan

It seems as though that Mr. Sleighbough tried to take advantage of his "condition" by robbing a fifth story Park Avenue apartment in the middle of the afternoon.

Yeah, it's perfect for me! See, I can slip in and out, completely unnoticed.

Dan

Except for the several hundred people who saw you inching along the ledge.

Ah, that was probably a fluke. See, they probably used some kind of heat-sensing device.

Dan

Yes. It's called sunlight.

Dan

[about his parents] Those people represent everything I have fought to get away from my entire life.

Harry

Dan, they can't be that bad.

Dan

My God, Harry! They're Democrats!

Harry

...I stand corrected.

Bull

[quitting his job as a pro wrestler] Promise me if I ever do anything stupid like this again, give me a good smack!

Dan

[who's just lost a fortune betting on Bull] I promise.

Bull

Thank you.

Dan

My pleasure.

Dan

The Plaintiff asked for change of a dollar, when these five pulled out these weapons and held him at bay until the transit police arrived.

We thought he was crazy! We thought he was insane!

Harry

What did he do?

He talked to us.

Christine

Sir, these are not a group of thugs. These are ordinary people, simply frightened about the increased violence on the subways.

Harry

What is that weapon?

Christine

...Surface-to-Air missile launcher, sir.

It wasn't loaded, sir. I was just using it for intimidation!

Harry

People, people! Don't you see that you are just contributing to the problem? You're tearing a hole in the fabric that binds us together as civilized human beings. What I'm trying to say is...

We don't get the guns back?

Harry

[giving up] No, you don't get the guns back!

Dan

[on phone] No, no, I need the costume tonight! Yes, let's say something tasteful, conservative... say, the Roman Emperor Caligula... $200?! For some sandals and a sheet?! All right, all right, let's lay the cards on the table. What can I get for $19.95?

Dan

[to Flo] What's a "Smurf"?

Florence

Imagine your cat threw up a furball that talked.

Christine

[Dressed as a witch] Sir, I don't want to be nosy...

Harry

[Pulls her fake nose off] You were saying?

Christine

I know she meant a lot to you, but you've got to forget about her.

Harry

You're right, Miss Sullivan, and that costume really helps a lot.

[Arriving as a biker] Can we make this quick? I have a costume party to go to after this.

Bull

[Dressed as a kangaroo] Anybody want punch?

Harry

Sure Bull, I'll have some.

Bull

How did you know it was me?

You played Hockey before the mandatory helmet rule, didn't you? [Bull nods]

Dan

[Arriving as Humpty Dumpty] Happy?

Harry

I guess he isn't such a bad egg after all.

Quon Le

[Comes out of the kitchen as a Black Widow] Everybody ready for pumpkin pizza?

Christine

Nice costume Quon Le, but why a spider?

Quon Le

Wasn't there one in that nursery rhyme? "Along came a spider, and sat down beside her, and frightened Miss Muffet away."

Mac

[Coming out dressed like Miss Muffet] The first person to touch my tuffet DIES!

Dan

I don't understand it, Harry. Some things in this world should not be meddled with: Nature, humanity...

Harry

Coca-Cola.

Dan

Exactly.

Dan

[to a newsman on a portable television] I want you dead! If I could get to Albany, I would kill you myself! [throws it out the window] And I hate your blazer!

Dan

I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. Uh, Harry, I apologize about your TV.

Christine

[giggling] Let me tell him.

Dan

Tell me what?

Christine

It was Bull's.

Dan

AAH!

Dan

[without turning around] He's getting up... he's coming over here...

Dan

Money or revenge?

Bull

Revenge.

Bull

Thank yoooooooou.