Dan Elmore quotes from Night Court

Nancy Hines from Records. I have some data for you.

Dan

Thanks. Toss it in there, please.

Sorry, I was asked to toss it up here. [She hits Dan in the face with a chocolate cream pie to everyone's amusement] It's from a friend.

Dan

It was... one of you, wasn't it?

Florence

And it was worth every penny! [laughs]

Harry

Flo, that is very nice, but you don't have to cover for me. I called them, Dan!

Christine

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You two don't have to cover for me. I was the one that called them!

Mac

Uh-uh, uh-uh! It was me!

Dan

You want the truth? It was all of you.

Harry

...It was?

Dan

[laughs] I knew you couldn't resist it. I knew you would want me. I made a deal with the guy out in the hall. I said if he took the money, just for one hit, and gave me the rest, I wouldn't sue him!

Mac

You knew we all called!

Dan

Yes, I knew! You hate me! You all hate me! Everybody hates me! [He leans into Christine, his face still covered with chocolate cream.] For the first time in my life, I'm taking advantage of being me.

Christine

[unable to look at him] You allowed yourself to be humiliated for a few hundred dollars?

Florence

Are you crazy? He'd French-kiss a buffalo for a few hundred dollars.

Tommy, get me some surgical gloves.

Uh, fr-from where?

Dan Fielding

My briefcase, top pocket. [smiles at Benet Collins] Great, now I can deduct them.

Dan

Alright, now, we need one more big push.

[exhausted] I can't!

Dan

You can!

I can't!

Dan

You can!

I can't!

Dan

[thinks a moment] Think about... Hugh Hefner.

It's coming!

Dan

Sitting there in his silk pajamas, with all these big-breasted, exploited women catering to his every whim...

I can see a piece of shoulder!

Dan

Hey, wait! Who's that coming through the door? Is that... Oh, look, it is, it's Bobby Riggs!

It's out!

Dan

YES!

Bull

This is Rozalind Russell.

Dan

Hello! I'm Mr. Ed!

Harry

Rozalind Russell, that's a neat name.

Roz

My mother was a show business freak.

Harry

Ah.

Roz

I do, however, feel more fortunate than my sister, Zsa Zsa.

Christine

Oh, the poor thing.

Roz

That's what my brother says.

Harry

Your brother...?

Roz

Slappy.

Bull

Harry's mother abandoned him when he was five years old. He hasn't seen her in thirty years.

Roz

My brother hasn't seen my mother in over thirty years.

Bull

Your brother...?

Roz

Topo Gigio.

Harry

He saved Christine?

Bull

It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us today.

Harry

[reads card] "Wanda's Whip Emporium"?

Dan

The other side.

Harry

Oh. [reads] "Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back to clear air passage. Step 2, clear the mouth of any foreign objects."

Mac

"Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing."

Dan

Better to be safe than sorry.

Dan

You know, this could be the greatest night of my life...

Mmm.

Christine

[storms into the room] Okay, I want this over with before I vomit!

[leaving] Let the good times roll.

Dan

[runs to the bench] Your Honor, circumstances of an very extremely urgent personal nature have arisen and regrettably force me to ask for a recess.

Harry

[not looking up] Sex or money, Dan?

Dan

[feigning offense] Oh, I'm hurt! Oh, I'm offended! I mean, that you would jump to such an assumption. Has it ever occurred to you I could be in the midst of a dire personal tragedy? [Harry gives him a look] Sex.

Harry

Well, in view of these circumstances, I guess it would really be proper for us to call...

Dan

Yes?

Harry

A short...

Dan

Yes.

Harry

Recess.

Dan

YES!

Dan

I'm quite all right, I don't need this ridiculous operation!

What are you going to say when your ulcer perforates and you start hemorrhaging?

[rolling a gurney in] I'm here to take Dan Fielding to the morgue.

Christine

He's just here for a minor operation.

[smiles] I'll check back later.

Dan

Yeah, over my dead body.

It's a date!

Dan

Yes, and please give my regards to the lovely Mrs. Dracula.

Dan

I don't have a life, Harry. I have a lifestyle. Do you know how many women I have slept with?

Harry

It doesn't matter how many women you've slept with! [pause] More than a hundred?

Dan

You know the slogan under the Golden Arches? "Over four billion served"? Let's just say I'm competitive. And out of all of them, not one of them ever said, "I love you."

Dan

...And when the police arrived, Mr. MacNulty attacked the arresting officers.

Christine

He was merely protecting his wife!

Dan

Burn this image in your mind, sir: this man, standing stark naked, swinging a baseball bat.

My Louisville slugger.

[tilting his head] What?

Dan

SHE SAID SHE LIKES YOUR BAT!

Dan

Don't let on. I have a pack of C-H-U-C-K-L-E-S.

Chuckles?! [They corner Dan] Chuckles?!

Dan

No way, Porky! These are mine. [One wrestler speaks angry Japanese] What do you think he's saying?

Roz

I don't know, but I think it's something about singing soprano in the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Dan

[enters courtroom angrily] You don't know what you're talking about, lady!

Please, Mr. Fielding, it happens to a lot of men.

Dan

Not to me, it doesn't!

Christine

Dan, what happened?

Dan

They rejected me.

Many are called, but few are frozen.

Christine

They rejected you? Why?

His sperm is slow and immature.

Christine

[fighting not to laugh] Oh... I'm so sorry I asked.

Dan

That's great. Why don't you just go ahead and tell the whole world while you're at it?

Bull

[excitedly] I'll start with the cafeteria! [runs out of the courtroom]

Harry

Miss Beeker, is this something abnormal?

Oh, not at all. He just doesn't fit within our semen parameters.

Harry

Which are?

Sixty million per cc.

Dan

I demand a recount!

You know Mr. Fielding your problem could be attributed to fatigue. How recent was your last sexual encounter?

Dan

...What time is it now?

It would be no problem to retest you. But to be sure we have an accurate result I suggest you abstain for two weeks.

Harry

...From sex?

Christine

...Dan?

Mac

I got twenty, says he doesn't make it back to his car.

Dan

I haven't had sex in two weeks. It's 3:00 in the morning, and I don't have a date...

Roz

Run for your lives, girls!

Harry

Better safe than sorry, guys!