[Watching a Westlife video]
Still going after seven years due to the unfortunate lack of murder, it's Westlife!
S1919x02
[After watching the Westlife video]
Erg, awful people.
VVanessa
I'm too old or too young for it. One or the other...
...Old...
Nowadays in show business, you haven't really made it unless you've been slagged off by Lily Allen- [A man delivers a letter] "Dear Simon...."....oh...apparently I'm a twat!...Nothing about you, Vanessa.
WSWill Smith
I think it is by that early boy band that all looked like car thieves that shagged on bins...E17.
[About E17]
WSWill Smith
They just had two guys in the background who did nothing.
Matt used to be one of those.
WSWill Smith
No, he played the bass.
He did play bass...[In a high pitched voice] or at least pretended to.
Tonight on Phill - when team members bicker!
Phill, Phill, can I say something?
Yeah?
[Simon stands up]
Right...I think, I think you don't know what you're talking about...you, you shouldn't even go there...and, talk to the face, 'cause my arse ain't listening...
[About Tina Cousins]
Still very much in the business...oh no, that's not right...err...
[Tina gives Simon the finger]
What's that?...
[Vanessa nodding: "Yeah, you give him the finger"]
...what's this? People who used to be on telly ganging up on me?!
VVanessa
What's the difference between a dildo and a strap on?
A strap on is like a hands free phone...so it's legal if you're driving...
S1919x03
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Stewart Lee, Tony Mortimer, Bill Oddie, Jason Pebworth
She's been cleaned up very quickly, as they do with the guillemots, and the cormorants and all that sort of thing-
Bill, Bill, I had a feeling you would rather talk about birds this evening, so I prepared your own game. Here you go, are you ready? What's this?
[He plays the sound of a bird]
It's a robin eating a Crunchie bar.
That's not what I've got on the card.
You're right, we pixelated some onions...not a kitten...being chopped to death by Shakira...
[Bill Oddie is talking nonsense]
You're in charge of this....
I am in charge of this! Stewart's right! Shoosh, Oddie!!
[Bill Oddie is still talking nonsense]
[Talking sternly to the audience] Who...gave him...Ribena?!
[Bill Oddie is trying unsuccessfully to guess the name of a song]
Bill, I don't like to see you struggle. What's this? [Holds up a picture of a bird]
That's an eyebrowed thrush.
Correct. Do you know the latin name for it?
No! Turdus something or other. Ooh, that's funny, turdus. I know where you're going, I know where you're going.
He's caught us out. They're all slightly rude. It was the turdus obscurus.
Yeah, I know, it's funny. Means the invisible shit!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.