[to Arlene] You look like you could run a good whorehouse.
S2222x10
The new Guns 'N' Roses album is so much more exciting because we had to wait sixteen suspense-filled years for its eventual release. And it's for that reason that I'm not going to listen to the new N-Dubz album until 3012.
You know, everything you say to me, it seems like it's very sarcastic.
What? What do you..? No!
Am I right, D, am I right? Tell me the truth.
He has... elements of sarcasm about him, but I believe, when he's congratulating you about the MoBo and the gold disc, he actually means it.
I mean it. Yeah.
Thank you, Simon. Thank you.
One day I'll get good at that sincerity, and then I'll get the big money.
You had an interview in the Times recently, an interview in the Times. You mentioned your time on Buzzcocks.
Yeah, see? See?
Dappy said.. this is very exciting, Dappy said, "If I was to see Simon by himself, I would spank him on the bottom." [produces a paddle from under the desk] I've got this paddle, if you want to...
What does she mean by "My name is Shaniqua and what"?
"My name is Shaniqua and what"... basically...
"My name is Shaniqua, and do you have any other questions?".
Basically, yeah. "And what.. what are you going to do about it?"
Is she the one who's been sleeping with that dude there? Who's the other one?
His girlfriend's the one who's walking up the stairs.
Are any of these people married!?
Next up is the recently-knighted Sir Intros Round OBE.
This old heart of mine. And this old heart of mine would like to say to you: I enjoyed you guessing the intro, and in the words of Tom Jones, it's not unusual for me to continue saying words when the sentence has surely finished.
Basically, my daughter said to me, "You're not going to guess one of them, Mum, so don't go on the show." I think she might have been right.
But you lived up to your child's expectations, and that's always a good thing.
Morrissy recently quashed unfounded accusations of bigotry, when he donated twenty-eight thousand pounds to Love Music Hate Racism. Although he did ask that most of it go towards the "loving music" bit.
I want to say One, because he has a kind face.
I think they all have kind faces.
I think One's the kindest. He's my favourite of the kindness.
Robert Webb, are you having a fun time on the show?
Yes, I speak when I'm spoken to.
[after Arlene has sworn and Simon has done his "kill the cat" routine]
How could you, Arlene?
[after much bickering about whether Strictly Come Dancing or The X-Factor is the better show of the two]
We must remember that neither one of them are doing anything good for the world.
S2222x11
With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Omid Djalili (Guest captain), Josh Groban, Martin Freeman, Heston Blumenthal and Grant Nicholas.
Those are the teams, now clap your disappointment away.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.