Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

They just had two guys in the background who did nothing.

Simon

Matt used to be one of those.

No, he played the bass.

Simon

He did play bass...[In a high pitched voice] or at least pretended to.

Phill

Tonight on Phill - when team members bicker!

Simon

Phill, Phill, can I say something?

Phill

Yeah?

Simon

Right...I think, I think you don't know what you're talking about...you, you shouldn't even go there...and, talk to the face, 'cause my arse ain't listening...

What's the difference between a dildo and a strap on?

Simon

A strap on is like a hands free phone...so it's legal if you're driving...

Bill Oddie

She's been cleaned up very quickly, as they do with the guillemots, and the cormorants and all that sort of thing-

Simon

Bill, Bill, I had a feeling you would rather talk about birds this evening, so I prepared your own game. Here you go, are you ready? What's this?

Bill Oddie

It's a robin eating a Crunchie bar.

Simon

That's not what I've got on the card.

Stewart Lee

You're in charge of this....

Simon

I am in charge of this! Stewart's right! Shoosh, Oddie!!

Simon

Bill, I don't like to see you struggle. What's this? [Holds up a picture of a bird]

Bill Oddie

That's an eyebrowed thrush.

Simon

Correct. Do you know the latin name for it?

Bill Oddie

No! Turdus something or other. Ooh, that's funny, turdus. I know where you're going, I know where you're going.

Simon

He's caught us out. They're all slightly rude. It was the turdus obscurus.

Bill Oddie

Yeah, I know, it's funny. Means the invisible shit!

Simon

I thought you knew about birds!

Bill Oddie

Well, it's a foreign one.

Simon

Do you just pretend for the telly?

Bill Oddie

It's, it's a foreign one!

Simon

Oh...racist.

Bill Oddie

We don't mention Lily Allen.

Simon

We don't mention her? What did she do to you?

Bill Bailey

She put super-glue on your bird table.

Simon

What's your final answer?

Medication.

Phill

Stand up a minute...

Simon

Why, what's wrong with me?

Phill

Nah, just stand up...You look like you've been drawn by children!

Phill

"Here is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so here's his hair!"

Simon

That's what I was going for...

Bill Oddie

"Hair or Blair?"

Simon

What's that?

Bill Oddie

"Hair or Blair?" I'm trying to think up new rounds!

Simon

Very good, "Hair or Blair?". What about [simultaneously with other panellists] "Bill or Kill?"?

Stewart Lee

Well, three has a dance music face...if there can be such a thing. Four has a guest dance vocal musicalist hair. If you put that hair and that face together, it would definitely be that one...but unfortunately they exist in separate bodies. Perhaps something could be done about that...

Simon

There he is, blaspheming again. Against God's work.

Simon

God is not happy with you, Stewart Lee.

Stewart Lee

You know what it's like, you're trying to guess a song, and you end up looking at a hat.

Simon

You would say that...because you hate the baby Jesus.

Simon

How dare you come on here with that Pagan-Marxist agenda, this is God's Pop Quiz.

Bill Oddie

Stay friends with the editor, that's my advice.

Simon

Stay friends with the doctor, that's my advice.

Do we know what Cliff Richard's biography is called?

Simon

Cliff Richard's biography is called - Cliff Richard: The Biography.

Oh, Christ.