Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Katy Perry also recorded the song: 'You're so gay'. It sounds homophobic, but of course, she's using the other, fashionable, version of the word, meaning "anything generally bad". And anyone who thinks that sounds offensive should just Jew off and just stop being so bloody black about it.

Simon

So uh, one of the girls, I don't know which one. It would probably be wrong to name them, maybe it's wrong to say it at all. Should I stop? No, OK. Um, she had her first, you know, "becoming a woman" experience in our studio.

And you filmed it!

Simon

No, we didn't film it! No. It happened in one of the dressing rooms. We've since redecorated, it was fine...So anyway, they came back and we were all very sensitive about it. We introduced them as our favourite band in the world...period.

Simon

I quite like you, Nick. My mum actually says she quite fancies you.

Is that right?

Simon

She says '"He's got a lovely big face".

This is the same Wet Wet Wet as "Love Is All Around" Wet Wet Wet?

Phill

Yeah. Seventeen weeks at number one, a third of the year.

Well, fucking hell! (Audience laughter)

Phill

Ah, the wisdom of youth(!)

Simon

(to Kenzie) How young are you?

I've just turned twenty.

Simon

Okay. Kenzie is sweet, isn't he? Isn't Kenzie sweet? (Some audience members say "yes") Why don't you tell the nice BBC viewers what your song "Flip Reverse It" was all about?

Um...women...

Women?! It was about anal in a truck! (Audience laughter) Offended by seventeen weeks! But the idea of bumming a lady in a Mazda? Fine.

We're going by our human names to be taken more seriously.

Simon

Your human names?! Well, I think that's worked, Kenzie.

Ah, I see it now.

Simon

You see it now? Shall I give you a point for seeing it now?

Would help. 'Cause they just got a point. So we could equalize by my recognizing it afterwards. [To Bill] This could work very well for us.

Simon

Hang on, hang on. I've lost control of the whole thing. I feel like I'm the supply teacher and you're...you're just not respecting me as you should.

Play the track and I'll see if I can guess which one of them is going to take the lead and which one's going to do the-

Simon

How about you be quiet, and stop throwing chalk, Knowles! Hmmm? It's your own time you're wasting!

Forget I spoke.

Simon

Okay. Always do.

[After refusing to sing his song "Flip reverse it"] I can't sing... I rap.

Simon

You rap?

Uh, no...

When did you meet Meatloaf?

We were doing Party in the Park in 2002 with the Squad and he, um...walked past us.

Simon

Wow. I would have saved that story for Parky, personally.

Simon

We also heard 'Straight Up' by Paula Abdul. During the last series of American Idol, there were...there were...

"Scurrilous".

Simon

"Scurrilous", thank you very much.

Just trying to help.

Simon

Ooh, I can read!

Phill

One of 'em had to.

Simon

[About Ricky Ross] Are you sure he's been in a band?

Phill

How would you know, you're twelve!

Simon

I don't really know anything pre McFly.

Phill

Who's your favourite McFly?

Simon

What day is today?

Phill

It's a Thursday.

Simon

Thursday's a Danny day!

Simon

I think Patrick Kielty-

Is fantastic.

Simon

I think more of a cunt.

What! Excuse me...you can't say that word.

What? Kielty?

Because you don't have one.

Simon

So I can't say it?

No.

Simon

But I haven't got an umbrella...

Do you know what I think, I thinks number two 'cause he's dropping the style nice.

Simon

What are you...what's with all this speak?

[Laughs hysterically] I don't know!

Simon

Dropping the...You don't speak like this! You get nervous and start going all a-bibbidy-bobbidy...!

I'm too old or too young for it. One or the other...

Simon

...Old...