Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Correct. Bryan Adams from the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves film...

Yeah, yeah...

Simon

...with the irreplaceable Kevin Costner.

Simon

[Reading an intro] "Lights going out, a kick in the balls..."?

"That's entertainment".

Simon

Correct. That's Entertainment by The Jam. That's not entertainment...standing on a ball, that's entertainment.

Have you seen his fingernails? Would you ever let those fingernails anywhere near you? They're dirty.

Simon

But you could clean his fingernails and then use them...

Mushrooms, jesus, yeah, I did some mushrooms, can I just tell you? 'Cause, uh, no one told me what kind of dose you're supposed to take. You know, because I fell into the bad crowd at university. Don't go to university, kids. It's a disaster. And uh, they said, like, "Let's do some mushies!". I said, "I don't want to do too many, because drugs frighten me. I don't want to get off my head completely, I just want to get a bit giggly". They said "All right, just want to get a bit giggly...take a hundred". So I had a hundred fucking mushrooms...and so, went to Mars, you know. And that was the night that my scrotum shriveled up to the size of a pea. I had to spend the rest of the week just, like, looking at photographs of myself, my friends and family to try and remember who I fucking was. Nightmare. Don't ever, ever do it!

Simon

Good message there from the BBC.

How many Nellies does it take to change a nightbulb?

A nightbulb?

A lightbulb. I'd like you know, Simon! How many Nellies does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know! I don't know, Bonnie. How many Nellies-

How many Manchester United players does it take...to change a lightbulb?

I don't know... How many Manchester United players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One from the team, the one from the...uh...the guy who goes to fetch the other one in red...

Simon

Should we pump your stomach? I don't know what to do.

[To Krishnan] How do you stand with all the channel four, the whole business, you know, the terrible, you know-

Simon

Bill, it's six weeks ago.

What?

Simon

The racism.

Six weeks ago?!

Simon

This is going out in six weeks.

Don't, don't say that!

Simon

What?

Don't say it's six weeks ago when it's now, man. You're fucking up with my head! It's now in my head!

Simon

I just don't want you to waste-

Oh, so let's talk about things that might happen in the future!! Blimey, them new hover trousers are great, aren't they? Bonnie, how's the new perfume range?

Nobody's asked me to launch one...

They have, 'cause it's in the FUTURE!! He said it was the future!! The Time Lord! Yes, Bonnie's perfume is going very well, thank you, Simon. Now let's carry on as if nothing happened, nobody's any the wiser!!

Simon

Do you put condoms on a man when you have intercourse?

Do you?

Simon

...we just cuddle.

Simon

Khrishnan, what do you think we should do about hunger?

Feed people.

Simon

[Reading off the auto-cue]...She's not the only one promoting...I'll start again. There was a cough there, a cough!! How can I do this when there's coughing!?! [To Krishnan] Do you ever have coughing in the Channel 4 studio?

We don't have an audience.

Simon

Don't have an audience? That's a bloody good idea.

Simon

I don't want to upset Bonnie...

But you don't mind upsetting me?

Simon

Ah, no, because you're not a drunk...anything could happen.

My big sister will come here and tell you off.

Simon

What does she drink?

Simon

Now with the weather, here's Bonnie.

What?

Over here, [She points at Bill's chest] it's going to be very warm...and down here, [She points to Bill's groin] it's going to be ice cold. Up here, [She points to Bill's head] there's been a lot of wind...

Simon

[Reading an intro] "Turn around..."?

Bright eyes.

Simon

Not what I've got here.

Oh. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely when I dream of something wild.

Simon

No.

Every now and then I fall apart.

Simon

No.

Every now and then I get a little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes.

Simon

...Correct. Okay, next one..."Turn around..."?

Simon

Are we supposed to like Kate Nash? I haven't done this show for so long, I've forgotten who we're supposed to hate... I like her... is she on Facebook?

She must be.

Phill

Let's poke her and find out.

She's on, err, all of those... mybibble and, and bobble and swizzle and bizzle, what they called? She's on one of them.

Phill

She's been on Bizzle?

Who's that?

Are you on Myspace? Are you Myspaced up?

Yeah I'm on Myface.

My... Myface?

Myspace

Phill

Is Kate Nash on your face or not? I need to know?

Simon

Is your marriage in trouble?

Oh, Simon.

Simon

Is it alright? Is it okay?

Would you be interested if I said it was?

Simon

Yeah, let's talk about it.

I've got a lot of feelings for you... basically. I kinda wanna wrestle you and kiss you at the same time.

Simon

We could do that.

Do many people say that to you? I bet they do.

Simon

There's a nice area in front of the desk...

Do you want to wrestle?

Simon

Have a bit of a wrestle.

Okay, come on.

Simon

What that was good for was like a 'best of' package.

Simon

George Bush claims that he has 'My Sharona' on his iPod, but mainly to drown out the screams of thousands of dead Iraqi children.

Phill

You're gonna need a bigger kitten.