Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

Sorry I was late. Been waiting for Mr Palmer to return from an errand. I had to leave without him.

Gibbs

What errand?

Ducky

Breena called. The wedding caterer they planned on using had gone out of business. The sobs almost woke the dead.

McGee

She pretty upset?

Ducky

[deadpan] She wasn't the one crying.

Gibbs

[re: Captain Wallace] Doin' a little street fighting.

Ducky

Presumably he took his role as a vigilante quite seriously.

Gibbs

Come on, Duck.

Ducky

[chuckles] I take it you do not approve.

Gibbs

Duck, it's not their job, they could get hurt.

Ducky

Jethro, most of them already have been. Aside from their love of comic books, what most of these crime fighters have in common is being victims of violent crime themselves, or abuse, or tragedy. I mean, take a look at Captain Wallace. [shows Gibbs a file] His wife died in childbirth, and then his daughter died when a balcony collapsed in a shopping mall.

Gibbs

McGee said his specialty was building code violations.

Ducky

It's hardly a coincidence. Whereas others might have succumbed to depression, or drug abuse, these men and women have channeled their angst into something positive. Who's to judge?

Ducky

[without looking up at Tony and Ziva] What have we here, Jethro?

Ziva

What we have here is no Jethro.

Ducky

[looks up in surprise] What??

Ziva

He's actually running late.

Ducky

Ohhh. [laughs] Here's a first.

Tony

[looks at Palmer, who's still in his tux] Sort of like wearing fuchsia and lime green to a crime scene.

Palmer

[embarrassed] I didn't have time to change.

Ducky

Perhaps those colors will raise the dead, Mr Palmer.

Palmer

Poor guy. He looks like a pretzel.

Tony

An a-salted pretzel?

Palmer

Doctor Mallard, I've been holding on to the body for the family. No one ever contacted us.

Ducky

Well, claiming the remains of wanted men has always been taboo, Mr. Palmer. Forensic historians have shown more interest in their bodies than family members. That's why John Wilkes Booth has always been a fascination for me. You see, his --

Gibbs

Duck, you're not here, remember?

Ducky

Yes, but I am alive, and until I am embalmed and buried there will be stories to tell, and I look forward to telling them.

Gibbs

Okay, Duck. The fun is over. We can get you out of the bullpen now.

Ducky

I thought I might assist with the paperwork.

Gibbs

No, McGee can take care of that. The only place you're going is autopsy.

Ducky

Back to --

Gibbs

You've been cleared for duty, Duck.

Ducky

Oh, how wonderful! Back to -- okay. Well, I suppose I'll just be going back to autopsy. [walks away]

Ziva

[smiles] We are finally whole again.

Ducky

Where is Captain Westcott, other than at the forefront of your mind?

Gibbs

He's headed home. Doc ok-ed me getting into the ambush and I pushed. Pushed too hard.

Ducky

It's obvious that you feel a grave responsibility towards this young man.

Gibbs

Ducky, I sent home plenty of Marines like Westcott. I knew their heads weren't right. I hoped that there would be someone on the other side to catch them.

Ducky

You had no choice. You had to stay behind. It was your duty.

Gibbs

I'm on the other side now. I tried to catch Westcott. I didn't, he wouldn't let me.

Ducky

And when do you take no for an answer?

Gibbs

I'm angry, Ducky.

Ducky

You can't fix the world, Jethro. But you can call the boy.

Gibbs

[answers his phone] Yeah, Duck?

Tony

[British accent] Cheerio, Jethro. You'll be interested to know I've discovered something of rather vital importance.

Gibbs

Nice, Tony. Now put Ducky on.

Tony

[normal voice] Really? I thought that was kinda good.

Tony

Ow!

Ducky

I do not say "cheerio"!

Tony

Got it.

Ducky

Suicide by cyanide. A three-word nursery rhyme, and a popular means of escape throughout history, for cowards. Goring, Himmler, Goebbels. Still no identification?

Gibbs

McGee's not having much luck.

Ducky

Maybe medical records could help, as it seems that cyanide was only expediting the inevitable.

Gibbs

What's that?

Ducky

His liver, riddled with inoperable tumors. Doesn't appear to be under treatment. I'd have given him six months.

Gibbs

Made killing himself easier?

Ducky

[his tone iron hard] Pity does not validate cowardice.

Palmer

So Agent Burley was Agent DiNozzo before Agent DiNozzo was Agent DiNozzo.

Ducky

That is correct. One cannot help but be confused by the Downton Abbey complexity of government bureaucracy.

Ducky

They were all out of apple fritters, Mr. Palmer, you'll have to make do with this; it's a bear claw. Where's Mr. Palmer? Who're you? This room is for authorized personnel only! So unless I see some credentials, I-

Palmer

Call security!

Ducky

[grins] Who needs security? [scoffs] Tie him up!

Ducky

[to Tony] I must say, our victim appears markedly smaller than when Mr. Palmer and I pummeled him into next week. Today we met danger head on and emerged victorious.

Gibbs

Is there any right way to be a son?

Ducky

Just as there is no right way for you to act as his father. The pain of watching a parent age is unlike any other.

Tony

You notice anything different about Carrie, Boss? No wedding ring. Told you the husband was a handbag.

Ducky

[looks at Tony, confused] Handbag?

Gibbs

[as he leaves the squad room] Something useless you hang on your arm.

Ducky

[chuckles] Oh.

Ducky

[enters crime scene with Palmer] It's been a brutal week. I have a chill I just can't shake.

Palmer

Me too. Anybody mind if I do some jumping jacks?

Yes!

Palmer

Our birth mother officially signed the adoption papers today. All she has to do now is have the kid. And not change her mind.

Ducky

Oh... for heaven's sake.

Palmer

I just jinxed it, didn't I?

Gibbs

Ya think?

Palmer

[laments] I always do this! I always say too much! [hurriedly knocks on wooden table three times]

Ducky

Your prognosis?

Palmer

It's not good.

Ducky

[sighs] I hate to lose a patient.

Palmer

Wait, I think I've found the problem. Looks like the system drive is full. [camera shot reveals Ducky's smartphone on the autopsy table] How many apps did you install, Doctor?

Ducky

[looks incredulously at Palmer] There's a limit??