Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Palmer

I'm sorry doctor, I'm having a problem with the smell today.

Ducky

Really? I think he smells like my mother's fried chicken.

Palmer

Yeah, that'd be the problem.

Ducky

[to corpse] I suppose a "Bless you" is too much to ask for.

Palmer

Bless you, Doctor.

Ducky

I wasn't talking to you, Mr Palmer.

Gibbs

Someone was dissected here, Duck?

Ducky

More like three someones.

Ducky

And you probably shouldn't be down here.

Ziva

I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be in the field, can you please 'please' tell me where I should be?

Ducky

Well, I can understand your feelings of alienation.

Ziva

Everyone's avoiding me! Do they think I am just going to lose control, just enter the building and massacre everyone?! I mean, I am being treated like a leopard.

Ducky

I believe the phrase is 'like a leper'.

Palmer

Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.

Ducky

Really? What's number one?

Gibbs

Marriage.

Ducky

I've been traveling to crime scenes for a good many years now, but I can say with total confidence that this is the shortest commute I've ever had.

Palmer

And one of the few times I didn't get us lost.

Ducky

True.

Ziva

Ducky, drip it!

Ducky

Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?

Ziva

Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.

Ducky

Well, actually... never mind.

Ducky

There's no rush gentlemen, our patient isn't going anywhere.

McGee

I dunno Ducky, the old Gibbs is back.

Ducky

The "old" Gibbs?

Gibbs

[enters the room] McGee, over here. Hands and knees. On the floor.

McGee

[goes down on all fours] Okay, um, you're not gonna step on me are you?

Ducky

You see this fracture?

Gibbs

Well yeah, you're pointing right at it.

Ducky

You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva

They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky

Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the world.

Ziva

I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky

Well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva

That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky

What does Gibbs think?

Ziva

I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.

Ducky

Well, chin up, my dear. It could be worse.

Ziva

How?

Ducky

He could be a bear.

Ziva

What happened to them?

Tony

I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky

Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs

Yeah, I can see that.

McGee

Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky

Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony

Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer

Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

Ducky

You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva

They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky

I was referring to a mother bear's protective nature when her cubs are threatened. There is no deadlier creature on the planet.

Ziva

I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky

Yeah well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva

That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky

My point is Laurie Niles may have been trying to protect her daughter. The husband filed for separation, another man was claiming to be the child's father.

Ziva

She didn't want to lose or share custody of Sarah.

Ducky

That's one possibility. What does Gibbs think?

Ziva

Hard to tell, he's currently not talking to me.

Ducky

Well, chin up, dear it could be worse.

Ziva

How?

Ducky

He could be a bear.

Reminds me of that urban legend.

Gibbs

Which one is that?

Guy dresses up like Santa, you know, for Christmas Eve to surprise his girlfriend but he never shows. She's convinced that the bastard dumped her, badmouths him all over town.

Ducky

Until they find the poor soul's body months later, still clutching the little box with her shiny new engagement ring. And the moral of course is...

Gibbs

Never a good idea to get married.

Ducky

No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.

Gibbs

I like mine better.

Ducky

I signed for the body. Cause of death was most likely a - [noticing Jenny glaring at Gibbs] Am I interrupting?

Jenny

Not at all, Doctor. We were just discussing the various ways NCIS could have killed Mister Harrow besides chasing him to death!

Ducky

I am interrupting... [Turns around and starts to walk away]

Jenny

Doctor! [Ducky turns back] Death was most likely caused by?

Ducky

Myocardial Infarction. It was probably brought on by a combination of a high fat Western diet, little exercise, and the mistaken belief he could run up all those stairs. Rigorous for most - rigor mortis for him.

Jenny

Anything else?

Ducky

Well, not until I do the - [Jenny glares at Gibbs and then hurries off] - autopsy.

Ducky

Have you ever wondered why perfectly healthy individuals suddenly and occasionally keel over and die, Mr Palmer?

Palmer

Now that you mention it...

Ducky

No no no. It's a trick question. They don't.