Ducky Mallard quotes from NCIS

Ducky

[talking to corpse] Celebrities have always existed, from promiscuous monarchs to Roman gladiators. [...] These days, however, fame is more easily obtained. Anyone with enough money and a lack of self-respect can become famous just by being famous. We've gone from Socrates to Snooki. I can understand you wanting to distance yourself from such a frivolous lifestyle.

Ducky

(talking to Ziva about a dead body that had been stabbed) Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one.

Ducky

There is evil afoot that must be cast asunder.

Ducky

[to Tony] The French do see arrogance as a virtue so you'll be welcome there. But remember, in France, only tip 6%.

Ducky

[receives a phone call during his going-away party] Hello, this is Doctor Mallard... How on earth did that happen? [exasperated] How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian, Mother...! Hello... hello? [hangs up; to his friends] Bloody corgis got into the liquor cabinet again!

Ducky

[talking over the body of Bruno, the suspect] In some ways, Bruno, I envy you. When I was a child, I often fancied living the life of a daring cat burglar. Fortunately for me, yeah, at age of nine, on my maiden voyage, I fell off our neighbor's roof, yeah. Landed on my coccyx. And that was the end of that.

Tony

Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.

Kate

Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.

Tony

[Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.

Kate

You're pathetic.

Tony

No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.

Ducky

I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?

Tony

You think?

Gibbs

You enjoyed playing my boss?

Ducky

I did rather.

Tony

Look who I found. MPs weren't gonna let her pass.

Kate

I've got my SIG and badge, but HQ didn't issue my photo ID. Oh my, God. Is this for real?

Ducky

Unfortunately, my dear, it is.

Gibbs

(Hands Kate gloves) Put 'em on.

Ducky

Huh, your first crime scene with us, Caitlin.

Kate

What about Air Force One?

Ducky

Doesn't count, you were in the Secret Service. Hey, Tony, take a team photo for posterity.

Gibbs

Forget posterity. The sun's gonna be up soon. Welcome to NCIS. [hands Kate a pair of boots]

Kate

How did you know my size?

Gibbs

Put 'em on. You can't work a field in high heels. [smiles]

Tony

Depends on the kind of work you're doing.

Kate

Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the gamut from "X" to triple "X".

Tony

Yeah?

Gerald

You shoved a French cop off a cliff?

Ducky

There was a lake below!

Gibbs

Sixty feet below.

Gerald

It moved.

Ducky

Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs.

Gerald

It moved, Doc.

Ducky

Well, he was certainly dead on the beach.

Ducky

Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.

Tony

You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?

Ducky

You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?

Gibbs

Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?

Ducky

No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.

Abby

Sailor on the half-shell!

Ducky

Oh, Abby, please...

Abby

Sorry.

Abby

Something's wrong. The files are too big.

Ducky

[chuckles] Not just the files.