Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Abby

We'll figure it out together, Jimmy.

Jimmy

Oh please, call me Jimmy

Abby

I just did.

McGee

(walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?

Abby

You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.

McGee

He is? Cool.

Tony

(focusing on strippers behind) How's that?

Abby

Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.

Tony

Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.

Abby

That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.

McGee

I used to work at a bank.

Abby

Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Gibbs

I need the condoms tested.

Abby

Not what you want to hear first thing in the morning...

Abby

You are getting sneakier the older you get!

Gibbs

Not to mention better-looking.

Gibbs

What about his prints?

Abby

I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee

Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby

[nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Abby

See this? [Holds up bandaged finger]

Gibbs

Yes.

Abby

I cut myself today installing a graphics card in my computer.

Gibbs

Okay. Do you want me to kiss it or something?

Abby

That would be really nice, but it's not my point.

Abby

You guys are just in time for McGee's crisis of faith. He's starting to realize that there may be someone on this planet who's smarter than he is.

Kate

Oh, I'm looking at one right now.

Tony

Well, Kate, in all fairness, I am the senior field agent, but I think it's an experience that...

Kate

I was talking about Abby, dodo-head.

Abby

[Fake curtsies] Thank you, Kate!

Gibbs

The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby

You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee

Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...

Abby

I saw that!

Gibbs

Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby

Not while you're down there!

Gibbs

What?!

Abby

You've gotta get a life, Gibbs.

Gibbs

The last thing I need is another wife!

Abby

[yelling] Life! You gotta get a life!

McGee

Boss, I can't call! They're not gonna be able to hear me!

McGee

I'm gonna use the computer.

Abby

Gibbs, look who else doesn't have a life. Tony came back around midnight.

Gibbs

He does his best work at night.

Abby

(smirks) So he tells us. There's Tony leaving... that's Ben, the mail-boy. He didn't do it.

Gibbs

How do you know?

Abby

(shocked) He's a Vegan.

Gibbs

Hitler was a Vegan.

Abby

Hitler was a vegetarian, big difference! Vegans are so against cruelty they won't even use cosmetics tested on animals.

Abby

This is one smart bitch.

Wash your mouth with purple soap.

Abby

Cassie... wow! Are you suppressing drugs, or, um... selling them?

Working under cover. Everything here is confiscated, even the La Perla underwear.

Abby

Nice.

Gibbs, is that you playing Teletubbie? This the anthrax letter?

Abby

No it's not anthrax, it's plague.

Thank god, Anthrax scares the hell outta me. May I?

Abby

Yeah.

[looks] I know that return address. This is too easy, Gibbs. Paper that's traceable...

Gibbs

You know who sent it?

No, but I know who they want us to think sent it.

Abby

He's supposed to make that noise.

Tony

You have a stuffed animal that farts?

Abby

Yeah, it's cool huh...

Tony

Yeah, in a disturbing way.

Abby

What can I do for you?... What?

Tony

You're weirder than Gibbs.

Abby

How so?

Tony

He's being nice.

Abby

Gibbs is always nice.

Tony

To you and Ducky, maybe; me, he growls at and smacks on the head.

Abby

Which makes you feel wanted.

Tony

Yeah!