Never had allergies. Never had a cold.
Never had a cold?
Nope! Never had the flu either.
Why do I believe that?
Tony [sotto voice]: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?
“SWAK” · Season 2, Episode 22
In this episode: Leroy Jethro Gibbs (11), Tony DiNozzo (9), Kate Todd (9), Timothy McGee (7), Abby Sciuto (4), Ducky Mallard (1)
Tony, Please, we're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?
Deal.
Thank you.
[In the showers.]
Who would send me a letter with anthrax?
Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.
That's not funny, Kate.
Yeah, I know.
This is serious.
I know, Tony! I'm sorry.
At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!
You know, it might not be anthrax.
I like the sound of that, Probie!
It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...
Probie!
...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...
Honeydust!
"Honeydust"?
Honeydust. I give it to girls.
[Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.]
Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.
[chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?
I never heard of honeydust.
Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.
It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.
[Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement at Gibbs']
Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.
Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...
[Tony is cut off by Kate]
Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?
Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.
The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?
They do.
Oh, you should have let him squirm.
Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!
Unless the post office screwed up again.
So, tell me doc. What have I got?
PDr. Pitt
[sighs] Pneumonic Plague.
Plague? [chuckles] Plague..
That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the Dark Ages.
I didn't put plague in the letter.
You opened it!
Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like you're lying... [realizes]
Yeah. That's right,Travolta. I'm infected too.
[sincere] Oh Kate, I'm sorry.
Well you're going to be sorrier.
[all serious] No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.
[Gibbs slaps Tony]
If I get anthrax, how will you feel?
Not as bad as you, DiNozzo.
The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!
You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?
Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...
[Gibbs smacks McGee.]
I saw that!
Work, or you'll feel it!
Not while you're down there!
What?!
Did you go Sake Bombing last night?
It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?
Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!
Would I ask if I...? (thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!
You take a cup of hot sake, drop it in a beer, you toss it back and... (makes explosion sound)
(sarcastically) Sake bombing?
Great for a cold!
I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks!
McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!
Yeah, I don't think I have either.
I work with a pair of wankers!
And you make three, DiNozzo!
And a very good morning to you boss!
(holds up a letter) This one is only addressed to Special Agent, NCIS.
(sees the lipstick mark on the envelope) I think that's mine!
(holds it out of Tony's reach) Huh? (sarcastically) How do you know?
(snatches it back) I recognise the lips and the scent!
(sarcastically) Gummy bears?
[Tony opens the SWAK letter, and a fine white powder billows into his face.]
(whistles to get everyone's attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!
(calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him and then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!
McGee, you up on procedures?
Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...
(pouring water over his hair and face) Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pincushion!
(hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for Tony's sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!
I thought you'd never ask...! Sorry, boss!
(lays on his bed clicking his fingers) Do you know who I feel like?
I'm afraid to ask!
Like the king of cool!
Elvis?
Elvis was the king of rock and roll, Travolta is the king of cool!
Well thanks for the clarification!
And do you know why I feel like Travolta?
I feel a movie coming on!
THE BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE! Travolta plays this boy born with an immune deficiancy...this was before AIDS! He lived in a giant plastic bubble!
Tony? (when she gets no answer she starts begging) Tony please! We're stuck here together. Can we just make a pact? Until we're out, I won't make fun of all the stupid things you say, and you won't tell me any more film scenarios. Deal?
Deal.
(sleepily) Thank you.
Emma?
NENurse Emma
Yes
You'll enjoy this...you look pretty without the mask by the way!
NENurse Emma
(rolls her eyes)
Ralph Bellamy played the doctor and now Ralph Bellamy was this big time actor who...
(pulls the pillow over her head in vain)
[Kate leaves the isolation chamber and bursts into tears.]
[hugging her] You were brave to stay with him, Kate.
[sobbing quietly] He's dying, Ducky.
[walks past them] Oh, the hell he is.
[Gibbs enters the isolation chamber without a mask.]
PDr. Pitt
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who the hell are you?
His boss. The bug has a suicide gene. It's dead. It's been dead for over an hour. He's no longer infectious. (whispers to a very ill Tony) Tony, listen to me. Are you listening?
(weakly) I'm listening. I'm listening, Boss.
(whispers) You will not die, you got that? (beat) I said, you will not die.
(whispers) Okay, I got you, Boss.
(whispers) Good. (Gibbs hands Tony his phone.) It's your new cell. I'd get the number changed. Women keep calling for Spanky.
You've gotta get a life, Gibbs.
The last thing I need is another wife!
[yelling] Life! You gotta get a life!
Boss, I can't call! They're not gonna be able to hear me!
[Gibbs grabs the front of his suit and glares.]
I'm gonna use the computer.
Gibbs, look who else doesn't have a life. Tony came back around midnight.
He does his best work at night.
(smirks) So he tells us. There's Tony leaving... that's Ben, the mail-boy. He didn't do it.
How do you know?
(shocked) He's a Vegan.
Hitler was a Vegan.
Hitler was a vegetarian, big difference! Vegans are so against cruelty they won't even use cosmetics tested on animals.
[examining the plague letter]
This is one smart bitch.
[Agent Yates enters wearing a slinky evening dress.]
CCassie
Wash your mouth with purple soap.
Cassie... wow! Are you suppressing drugs, or, um... selling them?
CCassie
Working under cover. Everything here is confiscated, even the La Perla underwear.
Nice.
CCassie
Gibbs, is that you playing Teletubbie? This the anthrax letter?
No it's not anthrax, it's plague.
CCassie
Thank god, Anthrax scares the hell outta me. May I?
Yeah.
CCassie
[looks] I know that return address. This is too easy, Gibbs. Paper that's traceable...
You know who sent it?
CCassie
No, but I know who they want us to think sent it.
Cassie!
CCassie
Hey, McGee. Mind if I sit in?
Yeah, yeah! Hey boss? Cassie and I had parking spaces next to each other in Norfolk!
Why are you yelling, McGee?
So you can hear me through your hel... [realizes Gibbs is no longer wearing his suit] Helmet?
The blood tests were negative.
[tears off his own suit] Sweet!
Not for DiNozzo.
...Positive? Is he gonna be OK?
If he isn't, he'll be answering to me.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.