Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Tony

(lying on top of Abby) Are you hit?

Abby

(gasping) No... You're heavy!

Tony

Sorry.

Abby

(feeling his leg) My god, no wonder you're so heavy, Tony, you're all muscle!

Tony

Abby, shhh!!

Abby

You're packing a nice booty too!

Tony

Hey! Is this how you deal with getting shot at?

Abby

I don't know, it's my first time.

Kate

You're a mess, girl. Red eyes, no makeup. If ever there was a time for black lipstick, it's now.

Kate

Remember when we first met? I couldn't believe you were a Forensic Scientist! I always thought goths had bats for pets, or vice-versa.

Abby

I really liked you, Kate. A lot.

Kate

Don't start that again. Wear your pigtails, I love you in pigtails!

Kate

That's better. You were persistent, Abs. First the black lipstick, then the black nail-polish. Next thing you know, I have a tat on my bum.

Kate

Oh God... Ducky's gonna see it! I'm dead, and I'm embarrassed!

McGee

What is with this music?

Abby

I am playing it out of respect for Kate.

McGee

Well, I thought you were from New Orleans.

Abby

So?

McGee

Well don't they play Jazz at funerals?

Abby

Coming from the cemetery, after the body has been buried. On the way to the cemetary we play a dirge. Do you know what a dirge is, Timmy?

McGee

Creepy music?

Abby

Can you go back to the squad room and let me do my job?

McGee

I can't.

Abby

Why?

McGee

Gibbs...Gibbs told me to watch over you.

Abby

Ohhh… (It looks like Abby is mad) That is so sweet!

Tony

Can you tell me what gun he used?

Abby

A 308!

Tony

What model 308?

Abby

You don't know?

Tony

Would I be asking?

Abby

Well how am I supposed to know?

Tony

Because you're the firearms expert!

Abby

That I am! And when I am done I will tell you the propellant, the primer, the percentage of nickle and copper in the brass, whether all three rounds were fired from the same weapon: which you assume but I can prove or disprove, I will tell you who manufactured the ammo, the batch number and perhaps where it was sold! And with some degree of accuracy I can tell you if it was fired from a lever action, a bolt action, a semi automatic or an automatic weapon! However: I cannot tell you which of the 87 different 308 models fired those rounds!

Tony

Lapua!

Abby

What?

Tony

Lapua made the ammo! Logo's on the rim!

Abby

Tony I'm gonna miss her!

Gerald

I've never driven a stick.

Abby

Are you serious?

McGee

What, you can drive a stick?

Abby

Yeah, since I was like ten.

Gerald

What were you driving when you were ten?

Abby

A red '47 Ford half-ton pickup with four on the floor and Bubba riding shotgun.

McGee

Bubba?

Abby

Best damn coon dog in Jefferson Parish.

Gibbs

From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Corps.

Abby

Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?

Gibbs

What is it, Abs?

Abby

Can I please go back to my lab? I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.

Gibbs

Okay, but don't leave the --

Abby

Don't leave the building. I know. Bravo Yankee Echo.

Abby

I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. I haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but there's something about his silver hair that gets me all tingly inside.

Tony

Excuse me, I think I'm going to vomit.

Abby

I'm joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs's hair. That is really hot.

Tony

What seems to be the problem Abs?

Abby

McGee's ignoring me!

Tony

Easily fixable. [slaps McGee on the back of the head]

McGee

Ow! What was that for?

Tony

Don't ignore Abby; she's sensitive.

Abby

I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?

Gibbs

Not a clue.

Abby

Neither do I.

Abby

Are you going home?

Ziva

Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.

Abby

[scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?

Ziva

No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.

Abby

[softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.

Gibbs

What do you have Abs?

Abby

A PhD in porn. I spent the last six hours searching through webcam files trying to find some kind of lead and I have consumed more porn than Tony has in his lifetime. OK maybe not, but I have watched a lot of smut.

Gibbs

You learn anything?

Abby

I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be.

Gibbs

Anything about the case?

Abby

Guess it was worth it then.

McGee

Worth what?

Abby

Watching over twenty hours of porn with Chip.

Abby

What's the matter, Chip? Don't like watchin' porn with me?

I don't really watch explicit material with my peers, ma'am, uh, I don't really watch it at all.

Abby

Not buying it, Chip.

And why is that?

Abby

Two reasons. One, you're male, and two, you're breathing!

Gibbs

Abs, give me good news.

Abby

Oh my god, I got this e-mail that says I may have already won $50 million and I'm really really psyched. (Gibbs looks at her) Oh, you mean about the case?

Abby

[wearing headphones and yelling] What? No Zachster?

Gibbs

Abby, you're yelling.

Abby

Oh sorry. [takes headphones off] Where is he?

Gibbs

He's upstairs.

Abby

He's a cool kid. Reminds me of you. He's like a mini Gibbs. [Gibbs looks at her] Austin Powers.

Gibbs

You calling Zach a mini me?

Abby

[smiles] Gibbs! I am so impressed by your pop culture reference.

Abby

Just go, Chip!

McGee

I don't know how you work with him around!

Abby

(exasperated) I know! (sees the results) No, No, No! (whines) No!

McGee

What?

Abby

I'm too good at what I do!

McGee

No...you're not?

Abby

I am! And Gibbs will hate me for it!

McGee

What is it?

Abby

When fingerprinting the gun people always check the trigger! They never think twice about the bullets! So now I've got a partial thumb print, a perfect index finger!

McGee

Great!

Abby

(defeated) Yeah!

McGee

So who do they belong to?

Abby

Commander Tanner!

Abby

We've got an evidence showcase showdown, Chip! What do you want? Possible prints? Sticky stuff? Or name that blood?

Well, I aced serology! I was a dilettante at Fingerprint Identification!

Abby

(passes him the evidence) Name the sticky stuff for a hundred, Chip!