Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Tony

Wow... even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.

Gibbs

Never more than once, DiNozzo.

Abby

Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.

Gibbs

Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs.

Abby

Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?

Gibbs

Enlighten me.

Abby

3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars. That's a lot of pennies in any language.

Gibbs

Including Russian?

Abby

No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.

Abby

[gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.

Gibbs

I've still got my eyebrows.

Abby

Good point.

Abby

It's ok. I'm sure you find other things beautiful.

McGee

Like Gibbs breaking up a chic-fight?

Abby

I can't believe I missed that!

McGee

I've got good news. Guess what is now playing on McGee TV.

Abby

This is my favorite part.

Gibbs

Which part?

You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?

Abby

Oh no! It's just a hobby!

Gibbs

Ah, there you are, Jen. I've been looking all over for you.

I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.

Gibbs

The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.

Well, there's no sense getting us all sick...

Abby

[as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs] Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.

Abby

[about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.

Tony

Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]

Gibbs

Industrial strength vomit cleaner.

McGee

Abby, they hate me.

Abby

They don't hate you, McGee.

McGee

Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.

Abby

Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.

McGee

Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!

Abby

You described everything in my bedroom.

McGee

Not everything. Do you still have those...?

Abby

Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.

Abby

Wow, my mom always told me big things come in small packages.

What a coincidence. Mine always warned me about tattooed girls bearing samples.

From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.

Tony

If you're lucky.

A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.

Ziva

If you're really lucky.

Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...

Yes?

Abby

What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.

You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.

Abby

You guys get offended when I hug you?!

Abby

[happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.

DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.

Abby

Like, every time?

Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.

Another question?

Tony

Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?

Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?

Tony

...No. Just wondering, that's all.

Yes?

Palmer

What if your job includes touching, ah, naked people...

That is inappropriate at any time.

Palmer

Even if they're dead?

[sternly] Why are you touching dead naked people?!

Palmer

Well, I work in autopsy...

McGee

I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.

Abby

How'd you know I was here?

McGee

Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--

Abby

I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]

McGee

I though you were supposed to ask first.

Abby

Never with you, Tim.

Gibbs

[holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

Gibbs

[holds up the memory card from a digital camera] So what you're saying, for example, is we need to find something this small in a Humvee jammed with $22 million worth of electronics?

McGee

Pretty much.

Gibbs

[drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.

Abby

That is an excellent point.

All right, but even if I get in, all I can tell you is stuff like oil pressure and fuel levels. Navigation, external sensors, that's all handled by scientists. [logs in to his monitoring program] All right, I'm in. Now what?

Abby

Just sit back and let the scientists....

McGee

...Kick all kinds of major ass.

Gibbs

Give me some good news Abby.

Abby

I'm not pregnant.