Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

[smiles] Did you know, that without those longshoreman tattoos, and that dog collar, you are the exact spitting image of my sister Gloria?

Abby

Thank you!

[frowns] I hated her.

Abby

This is so embarrassing. Okay, in my defense what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide?

McGee

Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.

Gibbs

Why didn't you come to me Abby?

Abby

Because Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.

Abby

I'm a scientist, and he plays with voodoo dolls.

McGee

Uh, Abby, you play with voodoo dolls.

Abby

I meant metaphorically, McGee. I don't think they actually do anything. I just play with ‘em, y'know, to relax.

McGee

Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.

Abby

We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.

McGee

[Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter] If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.

Abby

Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt [Abby is wearing McGee's shirt] smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.

McGee

That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.

Abby

You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.

McGee

What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?

Abby

This is not my toothbrush.

McGee

Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.

Abby

It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Gina Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.

McGee

Are you going to use it or not?

Abby

An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.

McGee

Where are you going?

Abby

To get my toothbrush.

McGee

No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.

Abby

Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.

McGee

I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.

Abby

That's a really good point. You go.

McGee

I'm not leaving you alone either.

Abby

Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.

McGee

(grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves)

McGee

I told you not to answer the door for anyone!

Abby

What'd you forget?

McGee

My keys.

Abby

Why do you need your keys if I'm here?

McGee

My car keys. Now, you do not answer the door for anyone. (Abby gives him a mock salute) Anyone, or I will tie you up.

Abby

(excited) Really?

Gibbs

Coordinate with Abby.

McGee

Boss, you're gonna have to try and get her out of the elevator first.

Abby

Hey Gibbs. [elevator closes] Did you know that only 5 of the 2½ million deaths each year occur in elevators?

Gibbs

Nobody is going to hurt you, Abby.

Abby

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Gibbs

Did it?

Abby

Yeah, can you say it again?

Gibbs

Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.

We just got off on the wrong foot.

Abby

The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your a--

Abby!

Abby

...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...

Gibbs

Maybe it is.

Abby

How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]

Abby

I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!

Gibbs

[laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

Abby

Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?

McGee

Because they are.

Abby

Did I do something wrong?

Tony

Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?

Abby

Every summer.

Tony

Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?

Abby

Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.

Abby

What are you not telling me?

McGee

What do you mean?

Abby

You have that three-little-pigs-look.

McGee

What?

Abby

The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.

McGee

I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)

Abby

Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)

Ziva

I should be a professional photographer!

Abby

The Director hasn't called.

Ziva

About?

Abby

About?! Gibbs!

Ziva

Oh...

Abby

She didn't call you, did she?

Ziva

No.

Abby

Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.

McGee

Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?

Ziva

No music.

McGee

That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...

Abby

What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?

Ziva

Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.

Abby

What if they were?!

Ziva

The color would be more coffee-brown than red.

Gibbs

[gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll do.

Gibbs

It's your team now. [turns to McGee] You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

McGee

I won't, boss.

Abby

Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]

Gibbs

[walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.

Ziva

I'll collect, Jethro.

Tony

Who was that?

Abby

Where?

Tony

On the phone.

Abby

Oh, um, it was the nuns.

McGee

Nuns?

Abby

Yeah, y'know, nuns with the big white hats and the --

McGee

Habits. Yeah, they're called habits, the white hats.

Abby

Yep, that's right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.

McGee

[amused] Bowling nuns.

Abby

Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?

Gibbs

[whispers to Abby] Your computer's on fire.

Abby

[wakes up] AHH! McGee! My baby's french-frying! [starts typing furiously]

McGee

[wakes and starts typing] Checking internal core temperature!

Abby

That is so not funny, Gibbs!