Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

McGee

Are you wishing you were a computer geek?

Tony

I'd rather be homeless than be you, Probie.

McGee

You just ruled out both suspects.

Abby

No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park.

Gibbs

Gibbs.

McGee

Boss. I don't know if this is important, but-

Gibbs

McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.

Wow, I'm amazed you found that.

McGee

Actually, I didn't. Our forensic scientist, Abby Scuito, did.

Wow, this Scuito, she must be hot.

Gibbs

He wanted us to look for a body.

McGee

We still would be if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.

Man, I got to meet this woman.

McGee

She's probably not your type. Tattoos, piercings, dark make-up...

She Goth?

McGee

Uh-huh.

I love Goth.

McGee

What do you got, Abs?

Abby

[to Gibbs] Do I have to answer the newbie?

Gibbs

Humor him.

Abby

There were traces of cocaine in the box.

McGee

So Tony was right, he was dealing drugs.

Abby

Maybe not, the traces were microscopic so it could just be from hiding money.

Abby

He calls himself a federal agent.

Gibbs

U.S. money supply is contaminated with traces of cocaine.

McGee

I thought that was an urban myth.

Abby

Give me a bill.

McGee

Huh?

Abby

Give me a bill!

Gibbs

A hundred?

McGee

Yeah, I like to be prepared for any emergency.

Abby

You are such a boy scout.

Abby

Money is a great receptor because the ink never really dries. One bill used to snort cocaine then going through an ATM leaves minute traces of the drugs on thousands of others. Four out of five bills in circulation are contaminated to a level that can be detected by drug dogs.

McGee

Um, Abs?

Abby

Yeah?

McGee

Forgetting something?

Abby

No.

Abby

[reading lips of people on a tape] "We have to..." something. "We have to - blank - him."

McGee

Kill?

Kate

Murder?

Tony

Love? [Gibbs slaps him] Ow. I really wish you'd stop doing that!

Gibbs

I will, Tony! When you stop "blanking" up!

McGee

[referring to the poison ivy covering half his face.] So, honestly how do I look?

Abby

Um... Do you want the truth, or do you want me to lie to you to, uh... ease the burden of your own self-loathing?

McGee

I'd prefer the lie.

Abby

Me, too. You're the fairest in the land, McGee.

McGee

(walks in on Abby and Palmer super glued together) Palmer, what the hell are you doing?

Abby

You know, you didn't have to yell at him. Jimmy is terrified of you now.

McGee

He is? Cool.

Tony

Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.

Abby

That happens to girls, too. At night, some guy seems all dark and gnarly, and then you wake up and his tattoos are fake and he works at a bank.

McGee

I used to work at a bank.

Abby

Your tat is real and you don't disappoint me.

Tony

A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar, what's the punchline Kate?

Kate

Whatever it is, it involves this girl and Paraguay.

Tony

That's true, but not very funny. Probie! Make me laugh!

McGee

Okay, the bartender doesn't believe it so he asks the spook instructor 'what the hell is going on?' And the guy says 'what, guy can't have a drink with his pupils?'

Kate

Gibbs will get over it

McGee

When?

Kate

Well, let's see. Last year Tony spilled his coffee and he warmed up to him... oh, about an hour ago. So, roughly eight to ten months.

Kate

Look all I am trying to say is that it is very unprofessional. Gibbs would never walk in here and tell us how much he paid for his shirt.

Tony

That's because the prices at Sears have been pretty consistent since the late 70's.

Gibbs

[entering] We have a body in Virginia. McGee?

McGee

Yeah.

Gibbs

Call Ducky.

McGee

Got it.

Tony

Hey, uh, boss? Have you had a chance to sign off on that missing persons case I gave you?

Gibbs

No, I haven't, DiNozzo. I tried to get to it last night but Sears was having a sale.

Kate

Give him 5 seconds.

McGee

Until what?

Kate

Until he notices there's a ...

Tony

Bikini contest?!

Gibbs

What about his prints?

Abby

I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn't jive.

McGee

Must have lifted hundreds of prints. You sure you ran them all?

Abby

[nonchalantly] No McGee, about midway through I got tired so I was just like "screw it".

Gibbs

Make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my thing [gesturing to his computer after Fornell has been using it]

McGee

Goat rope?

Tony

Marine term, Probie.

Kate

It means half way between FUBAR and SNAFU.

McGee

Okay, uh, what's FUBAR?

You are!