Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.

McGee

Which one is which?

You'll have to ask their ex-wives to find out.

S2 E19 Conspiracy Theory

View quote →

[For the umpteenth time, Tony shows Kate the raunchy picture of her on his PDA.]

[smiles] You're wasting your time. Doesn't bother me anymore, Tony.

Probie, wanna see something hot?

McGee

[walking over] Sure!

[Kate seizes Tony's hand in a death grip, covering the PDA screen.]

[whispering] What's-it-gonna-cost-me?

I don't know... you still have that Catholic schoolgirl uniform?

S2 E19 Conspiracy Theory

View quote →

McGee

What kind of interrogation technique is that?

The DiNozzo method. Not pretty but it's effective.

S2 E20 Red Cell

View quote →

McGee

Is Gibbs still mad at me?

About what, probie? Dead marine on campus? Missing petty officer? Computer hacker who might be part of a radical peace movement? None of these things are your fault, really... But sending Gibbs on a panty raid?

He's going to kill you.

S2 E20 Red Cell

View quote →

Tony's car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work.

[irritated] You know what kind of people take the bus?

McGee

Yeah, I take the bus.

Exactly.

S2 E21 Hometown Hero

View quote →

Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn't understand I have to have my car.

McGee

I'm giving you a rental, DiNozzo. What's the big deal?

Not the same, bus boy. My car's part of my being.

S2 E21 Hometown Hero

View quote →

You're taking the stairs McGee.

McGee

Why??

'Cause I'm not taking an elevator with someone who doesn't know who Gary Cooper was!

S2 E21 Hometown Hero

View quote →

[In the showers.]

Who would send me a letter with anthrax?

Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl.

That's not funny, Kate.

Yeah, I know.

This is serious.

I know, Tony! I'm sorry.

At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!

McGee

You know, it might not be anthrax.

I like the sound of that, Probie!

McGee

It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera...

Probie!

McGee

...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder...

Honeydust!

McGee

"Honeydust"?

Honeydust. I give it to girls.

[Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.]

Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather.

[chuckles] You don't use the whole chicken?

McGee

I never heard of honeydust.

Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee.

It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey.

[Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and look in horror/amazement at Gibbs']

Got a box of Honeydust last Christmas. No card.

Ah... I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their...

[Tony is cut off by Kate]

Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?

McGee

Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies.

The diseases that you name, they-they have DNA?

McGee

They do.

Oh, you should have let him squirm.

Ha ha! Then, it's no worries!

Unless the post office screwed up again.

S2 E22 SWAK

View quote →

The SWAK doesn't mean our bitch can't be a bastard!

Abby

You're so right, Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?

McGee

Oh, yeah. The low-cut red dress with the built-in plastic...

[Gibbs smacks McGee.]

Abby

I saw that!

Work, or you'll feel it!

Abby

Not while you're down there!

What?!

S2 E22 SWAK

View quote →

Did you go Sake Bombing last night?

It's a cold! Ugh! Sake Bombing?

Come on Kate. Don't tell me you've never heard of Sake Bombing!

Would I ask if I...? (thinks for a minute) Forget it. I don't want to know!

You take a cup of hot sake, drop it in a beer, you toss it back and... (makes explosion sound)

(sarcastically) Sake bombing?

Great for a cold!

I'll stick to honey and hot tea, thanks!

McGee. Kate's never heard of Sake Bombing!

McGee

Yeah, I don't think I have either.

I work with a pair of wankers!

And you make three, DiNozzo!

And a very good morning to you boss!

S2 E22 SWAK

View quote →

McGee

(holds up a letter) This one is only addressed to Special Agent, NCIS.

(sees the lipstick mark on the envelope) I think that's mine!

McGee

(holds it out of Tony's reach) Huh? (sarcastically) How do you know?

(snatches it back) I recognise the lips and the scent!

(sarcastically) Gummy bears?

S2 E22 SWAK

View quote →

[Tony opens the SWAK letter, and a fine white powder billows into his face.]

(whistles to get everyone's attention) There has been a letter opened with a white powder. Use the back entrance, you all know the drill!

(calls to Tony) Tony! (throws a bottle of water at him and then calls security) Letter opened in Special Agent Gibbs's Office, dispersed a fine, white powder. Level Two evacuating!

McGee, you up on procedures?

McGee

Yeah. We shower, burn our clothes, get our blood tested, no one leaves the building unless...

(pouring water over his hair and face) Lucky me! I've won a free trip to Bethesda to be pricked like a pincushion!

(hears a clunking noise) They've shut down the air. (panicked for Tony's sake) Lets hit the showers, Tony!