Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 9
[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]
Grandma Kramer!
A kabuki actor's been hit!
. . .
What happened? What have you done?
I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!
Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.
[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]
That'll be six dollars, even.
Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
. . .
See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them fromokaidal maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
. . .
Yeah, well, nobody needs a fromokaidal maniac hanging around.
[Jody drives off.]
Is that right? I should check my dictionotomy.
This your pond?
[Lengthy pause]
You can take your time, it's a tough question.
It belongs to my father.
Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.
[Another pause]
I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
Yeah.
Mind if I skip rocks across it?
[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]
This is where the fish lives.
[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]
Why did you run?
'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
[A pause.]
You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]
This is where my tongue lives.
[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]
I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!
[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]
She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.
[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]
Oh, and "go Packers" too, but mostly burn the witch.
. . .
[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible (Job) to his family.]
"The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
...said Madeleine.
"...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
Tsch. Bunch of crap.
"A dreadful sound is in his ears."
It's Paula Cole, I think.
"In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]
What is it, child?
I thought I heard something.
Pay attention to the word of God.
For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
"Yea..."
"...team!"
"...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
"...by ten-thirty…"
"...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
. . .
[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]
What is it, David?
It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
Papa, what is it?
[irritated] People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at all?
[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]
[singing along] "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."
[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]
I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!
[Over a shot of the forest]
[singing] But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...
[stern] Mike, stop it now.
...Sorry.
[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]
This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.
[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]
And...?
[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]
Oh, they're fine!
[singing to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"]
They got into port and everyone was okay.
They went out for lunch and felt better...
[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]
Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
Poor dopes, they appear every hundred years and get hit by a huge storm.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
