[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]
CCrow
It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.
S3Pod People
[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]
H1Hunter #1
What the hell is that?
H2Hunter #2
I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
CCrow
A pear?
[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]
CCrow
Oh, what is he, an L.A. Cop?
[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]
RRick
It stinks!
[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]
Oh, terrific -- we were saved by the gates of Hell.
CCrow
Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
JAJoel [as Adman]
It's because of Smuckers raspberry preserves.
CCrow
And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?
[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]
Syntho-birds.
CCrow
Hey, it's a Casio forest.
They parked next to a data stream.
[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
JAJoel [as Tommy]
Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
CACrow [as Trumpy]
Yes, it's where I break you in half.
[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
You see? The pieces go together.
Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
CACrow [as Trumpy]
It's called "evil", kid.
Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
He's got Bette Davis eyes.
CCrow
Orphan Annie eyes.
[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
CACrow [as Molly]
Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.
Meanwhile, in another movie? [sighs] Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!
TSTommy's mother
Tommy, can you hear me?
JAJoel [as Tommy's mother]
Can you feel me near you?
[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the public domain karaoke machine]
Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "I Want to Know What Love Is" by Foreigner?
TSTV's Frank
People vomit?
I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)
. . .
Oh, we've got commercial sign!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.