TV show quotes
[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax] This is where Kor's theme song comes in.
[starts singing]
They call me Kor the Conquerer
I thought I could conquer anything
But ever since I met that boy
I've found out I'm not worth a thing
That's just par for the Kor
That's just par
They call me Kor!
[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion]
Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects!
Damn him! [continues angrily screaming] He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo!
See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake.
Oh wow!
What is it?
Riders, coming this way!
Writers? They'll fix the script!
[as Simon resurrects the dead]
[as Simon] I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss!
Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most.
That's not a plan.
But I can't.
Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you.
And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat.
I just realized why they called it a suicide cave!
Why's that?
Because I want to kill myself!
[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]
I'm depressed...
Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just dying to get in here. [evil laugh]
Watch out for the stalag-fright! [cackles]
Be careful so you don't go batty! [wicked laugh]
Here, let me give you a... hand!
Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions.
Oooh! A crematorium! [wicked laughing]
[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]
Oof!
Ow!
[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]
This is where the runoff goes from Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]
So how come wizards have such terrible aim?
Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements.
Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet.
Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better.
Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad.
[as the credits begin rolling] Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom.
[laughs sarcastically] You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists.
Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad.
Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs.
Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition.
I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king?
Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion.
Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides.
And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew.
[sighs] A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same.
You guys are making me feel sick.
It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it.
I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard.
Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts.
Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly.
[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]
She's beautiful, master! So delicate!
[she punches one of the patrons]
She's her own bouncer!
So strong!
Time to go, Tyor.
But, master!
Time to go, Tyor!
But, master!
Time to go, Tyor!!!
Isn't the arts part of my education?
Absolutely not!
The state cut arts funding!
So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah.
You will no longer breathe the air of a free man.
[Loki laughs]
Robert Blake in Lost Highway.
By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone!
He's making all this up as he goes along.
Oomen, kauai, tenk!
Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of Caroline in the City.
[Loki is turned to stone]
Alright, take him to Jabba.
Now his garden is complete.
YEEEAAAH!!! CSI: Miami!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
