Jonah quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum?

BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie!

Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight?

Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you.

Ew.

You're gonna have to make your own bed though.

Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared.

Pontius Pilate sends his regards.

Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got.

He just spelled "jkfghfgl."

Violence is the answer!

Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean...

You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage.

Gage's understudies.

Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk!

You're guilty of manslaughter, bud!

[interrupting the party] Gaaage!

Servo

Garfield!

Dennis!

Malcolm!

Servo

ALLLVIIIN!!!

Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card.

Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed.

Servo

Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial.

Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch.

Servo

I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now?

Has Gamera been in other movies?

Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County, and Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer.

Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer.

Oh, totally.

Servo

Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work.

Yeah, that's what I like about him.

Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?"

Jiger uses dash! It's super effective!

[singing] Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera!

[singing] It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell?

[singing] Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore?

[singing] For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears.

[singing] You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name.

[singing] Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me?

[singing] Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow.

[singing] And turtles do everything slooow...

[singing] Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation.

Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side.

A hole? Be very careful.

Servo

Watch out for snakes.

[singing] Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera!

Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married".

[singing] Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life!

I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits.

And goofy ghosts.

[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask] But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask...

The Misfits logo!

... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies.

Or a Klondike bar.

For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist.

Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye...

Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? [Mrs. Kelly opens the door] Michael where are- oh! [Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]

He died doing what he loved: jazz hands.

You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!

Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum?

Servo

Ack ack! Ack ack ack!

Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my!