Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to the Liberator, who led six South American nations to freedom.

I think it was Zorro or something.

Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing.

I thought it was a burning ring.

And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this...

Little shorts.

The tennis ball.

Scientific name: Tennius Ballias.

It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world.

Servo

Palm Springs?

Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light.

Like my marriage.

... so how does a ball get that way?

Practice.

How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect?

Or so white?

The answer comes from machines...

Yaaay!

... and people.

Booo...

Oh...

... and a name. [the camera focuses on the Penn brand] A big one.

Penn!

The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants.

Wow.

Each all dedicated to one thing...

Balls!

Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them.

Servo

Millions of balls!

The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland.

[Irish accent] Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland.

Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect.

Our nation's security depends on it.

Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job.

[singing] Just another brick in the wall...

Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres.

I'm learning a lot.

Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal.

Then we add the honey barbecue sauce.

Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom.

Servo

Like a waffle.

These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in.

Like Tigger. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly.

Servo

This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on.

At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition.

Uhhh...

Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. Not tennis.

I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics.

Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled.

I'll tumble for ya...

Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed.

Servo

Now he's just making up words.

Yeah, right?

A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn.

James Penn.

A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played.

Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?!

The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers.

Ow! Ow ow ow...

It was introduced by Penn.

An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now.

A new baby is an exciting addition to the family...

But to keep the balance, someone must go.

He's always asleep.

Joel

Oh, that's what he wants you to think.

When's he ever gonna be any fun?

All he ever does is eat and sleep.

And watch "Meet the Press."

Everybody has habits. [a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression] Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair.

A cat that eats lasagna?!

Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed.

Easy pickings for an apex predator.

Some people go right to sleep, others take longer.

David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins.

239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one.

You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life.

[while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller] No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier!

Servo

Eh, still more reliable than flying with Spirit Airlines.

Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they?

Nope!

[as David is seen sleeping again] That's because the brain is resting along with the body...

432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2...

The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off.

Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken.

You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important.

Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby?

There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings.

It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines.

Joel

[David and Martha leave the table] "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried."

Seriously though! This film started with a baby!