Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower...

Now, it's garbage.

A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly.

Before it kills again.

[adjusting a signal] Take it to the left.

Take it back now, y'all.

Left. Left a little more.

My- My left!

Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency!

I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change.

Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice...

And gosh darn was it fun!

... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing.

Wait, this was practice? Jeff died today!

Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens?

Because hell is full.

The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675.

He died in 1676.

Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays.

And that pervert, Superman.

In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation.

Number two is murder.

All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully.

Having eyes in general is a plus.

Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view.

Learning!

Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head.

You can see International Towel World.

Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes.

Scientists call this, "looking."

Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right...

Then cha cha slide.

Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn.

Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you know your mom won't die.

Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery.

And pairs well with Merlot.

Bricks are bumpy.

These are the weirdest affirmations.

Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control.

Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen.

While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon.

Servo

Oops! She's fired.

[as the family gathers around the breakfast table] Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too.

Back from his other family.

Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good...

But the eggs look worse.

[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces] But it doesn't taste right.

And Cathy's missing three fingers!

So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled.

Right, Cathy?

Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them.

Or simply by asking them.

You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe.

Cathy, did you wash your fingers before we cooked them?

Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off?

Servo

It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music.

The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well.

Preferably, 'til bloody.

Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over.

Servo

Where have those wrists been?

You don't wanna know.

Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk.

Plus, it'll kill all four turtles.

Sally has a sandwich from yesterday.

See? No funny business.

Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. [Cathy declines the sandwich] That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe.

Say no to leftovers.