[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]
CCrow
Hey fella, why the long face?
MikeNow, come on...
CCrow
[laughing] I'm sorry, I couldn't...
MikeI begged you not to do that!
CCrow
I know...
That hurts.
Played by Michael J. Nelson
Mystery Science Theater 3000 · 3,167 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Mystery Science Theater 3000: in 824 of its 3,167 quotes
Most scenes with: Tom Servo (393), Crow T. Robot (376), Narrator (63)
Scenes with Mike Nelson 617
MikeMikeSAServo [as Khorsa]
[addressing the Warriors from Hell] Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
MAMike [as the Warriors from Hell]
We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.
DDeathstalker
...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
MikeSpo-dee o-dee.
[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]
MAMike [as attacker]
Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
CACrow [as attacker]
Who are we?!
[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]
SAServo [as Michael McDonald character]
She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
MAMike [as Deathstalker]
Look, just shut up.
[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]
CCrow
Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
. . .
[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]
SAServo [as Deathstalker]
[sobbing] Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
. . .
MAMike [as Deathstalker]
[sobbing] Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. [N]
[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]
CCrow
Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
MikeI was born on a pile of... Hey!
[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]
GPGeneral Perry
How's it looking?
Not too good.
SAServo [as Nelson]
[whispering] There's a black guy in my office!
. . .
[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]
GPGeneral Perry
About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
Mike1600 hours? So, like five months from now?
[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]
SAServo [as Ted]
[sulkily] General wants to go find the aadgjka melting man.
Steve escaped.
JNJudy Nelson
Oh God.
MAMike [as Judy]
Aadgka?
JNJudy Nelson
What're you gonna do?
CACrow [as Ted]
Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.[N]
Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
JNJudy Nelson
Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
SAServo [as Judy]
[annoyed with herself] Aadgka.
JNJudy Nelson
Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
[She brings over his soup.]
MikeY'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]
[ignoring the question] So, we don't have any crackers?
JNJudy Nelson
Ted. Steve?
CCrow
Raging Bull.
Steve?
SAServo [as Ted]
Steve had crackers!
I've got to go out and find Steve.
JNJudy Nelson
Why you?
Because nobody else is supposed to know.
CACrow [as Ted]
Rye crisps, Sociables, anything?!
[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]
What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
MikeWell now the movie has to mop up after itself.
[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]
MikeSo, they learned nothing.
Yep.
CCrow
Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
Mike[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning] I learned never to name a child "Burr".
CCrow
Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
MikeVery good.
CCrow
I kill me.
Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
MikeI learned that half-eaten turkey legs make very tepid ironic statements.
CCrow
We learned it's good to have Saltines around your house.
I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
[Mike notices a credit for Jonathan Demme on the screen.]
MikeJonathan Demme?! Ah, who cares. Anyway?
Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
CCrow
And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
MikeMusta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
Good lesson.
CCrow
Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
MikeI think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
Aadgka!
CCrow
I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
MikeAnd neither are actors.
Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]
CCrow
Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like Berlin Alexanderplatz.
I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
Mike[sitting down] Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
CCrow
I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. I did not know that.
MikeWe've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
CCrow
Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, people can abuse spirit gum and latex.
MikeOh, I hear ya.
[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]
CCrow
Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
MikeIt's all freeways now.
[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]
MikeHey, why is John Madden signing Samuel Goldwyn's signature?
CCrow
Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.
[As the film starts, squads of Stormtrooper-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
LLoudspeaker
You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
[A man is thrown out a window]
MAMike [as Man]
I forgot my luggage...!
LLoudspeaker
This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]
CACrow [as Man]
Okay, you convinced me!
LLoudspeaker
You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]
Mike[snickers]
Mmm-hmm.
LLoudspeaker
Leave the Bronx!
SAServo [as Loudspeaker]
Even though this is Italy, leave the Bronx!
LLoudspeaker
I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
MAMike [as Loudspeaker]
You, too, Henry Silva.
LLoudspeaker
The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
CACrow [as Loudspeaker]
Therefore, we suggest you--
AAAll [as Loudspeaker]
Leave the Bronx!
LLoudspeaker
...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
So leave the Bronx.
MikeJust leave the Bronx.
[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]
SAServo [as loudspeaker on van]
Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
. . .
MikeHey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?
[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
CACrow [as Disinfester]
I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Pretty much.
MikeWe gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
MAMike [as Bum]
Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
CACrow [as Bum]
I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
BBum
Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
DDisinfester
You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
MikeWow, the Orkin Men have snapped!
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