Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others.

"All Nude Girls".

Servo

"Whites Only".

And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--

Servo

AAAAAH!

Servo

That's what they say.

Servo

Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami.

Mike

[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich] AAAHHHHH!!!

Why don't they look?

Servo

Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy!

Mike

[sticks lint into his eye] AAHHHHH!!!!

Why don't they-- [Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again] Why don't they look?

Servo

Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until...

Mike

[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face] AHHHHH!!!

Why don't they--

Servo

Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! [wanders off, muttering]

Mike

Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he?

[as the light on the desk starts flashing] Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want?

Servo

Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye!

[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]

[singing] I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue!

Servo

Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot!

The "Extention Of My Manhood" car!

Mike

Your deal with the devil is now complete.

Do you have it in red?

That's a six week delivery, ma'am.

You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?

Servo

Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!

[screams, then pauses] Hey, look, a moral! [resumes screaming]

Uh... call me?

Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?

Down here! I got a crick in my neck!

Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!

"Wuh-aughhh!"

Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well!

Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown!

You make sun go away. You are powerful.

Servo

Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen.

Mike

And down goes Blaze!

Mike

This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney.

Nobody called us about the party. Over.

Maybe it's time you level with me.

You know how we're both hot?

Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up?

He died.

Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you...

And then he died.

... and he asked me to go in his place.

And then I killed him and he died.

He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went.

And I killed him and he got all dead!

Oh, great.

It was fun at first when he only kissed me...

He wasn't dead then.

But then he...

...died.

... he started...

... being killed by me...

... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground...

Right before he got dead.

And then...

He died.

Rocks slipped out from under his feet...

And then he became killed.

He fell...

And he died.

So that's how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in?

He's not dead!

He saw it happen.

He died.

He thought it was you at first...

And then he died.

...until he saw me again.

And I killed him.

And all the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville!

[sobbing] I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here!

[exaggerated sobbing] I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!!

It's all over the dam...

I just can't believe you went out with Chip!

What are you laughing at?

Oh, something in Dilbert. Never mind.

It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh?

Ah, well forget it.

I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana.

And trade me for a chicken.

Tijuana?!

Maybe I can push Herb Alpert over a cliff...

You, the ice cream manufacturer.

Up against the wall! Spread 'em!

You...

Mike

Me?

...the frozen food distributor.

Servo

Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.

And you, the food retailer.

These three people will square off against--

Yes, today's problem is merchandising...

Mike

Over three kinds of vanilla!

...to sell in high volume, for high profit.

For high people.

Frozen products are impulse items...

Servo

I'll take it, I'll take it!

And impulse buying is primarily...

Mike

Women's fault.

...an emotional decision.

The market crashed!

Manufacturers spend millions on package design.

Yet, this is the result.

Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.

Servo

Are we in heaven?

[as the lights finish] Rip-off!

And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?

Servo

Bosoms!

Sales appeal styling.

Or "S. A. S."