Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!

I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!

Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!

Servo

[echoing, hushed] K-PORN!

Servo

So... Where's Waldo?

Mike

He's under the bed.

Geez! How many times was she held back?

Servo

Heh heh heh.

Hi, Peg!

Hi, Mom.

Honestly, Peg -- I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.

Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!

He's anatomically correct, and everything!

It's the real thing.

I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.

...at the turn of the century.

How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?

Servo

Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?

How can you tell? Is this love?

You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.

Mike

And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.

No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.

Servo

"How Much Affection?"

"When Should I Marry?"

Mike

"Know Your Ointments"

Servo

"What's That Down There?"

"When He Wants It Rough"

Mike

"Procreation, Not Recreation"

Servo

"Oh No, Pleasure!"

"McClintock!"

Servo

Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.

A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!

The Jack Benny Program!

Mike

[deeply] Ebenezer Scrooge...

For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.

Servo

Oh, the foley guy must be calling!

The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?

Aw, let's just cheat!

x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... [Mary shakes her head]

Nobody home, huh?

Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...

John, this is geography!

And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.

Split it open now!

You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.

Servo

On a doily.

So you decided to take a chance.

[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.

This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.

Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.

Oh, hi Miss Grandy-- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!

I smell a big Commie rat.

John, bring it up here, please.

PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!

Servo

Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!

And so Dana Plato's career begins.

Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!

But did John truly intend to be dishonest?

Servo

Or was he just pure evil?