Tom Servo quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Mike

Hey, I have my 40-year TV medallion.

Servo

[singing] What do you do when you're branded?

[singing] You watch TV.

Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!

Servo

So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?

Mike

Whahappa?

Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!

[in a dull voice] Tequila.

Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

[confused] Wha-- that's The Mole People! These movies have crashed!

Mike

You got your Mole People in my Batwoman!

Servo

You got your Batwoman in my Mole People!

So, Mike. This is Hell.

Mike

Yep.

Mike, I demand that you kill me.

Servo

Me too.

Mike

No. [a beat] Will you kill me?

Servo

[screaming] ENDDDD! EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!

Mike

[defeated and unimpressed] What a wild wild world!

Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!

It's your helium addiction.

Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!

'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

Hey it's the Blue Mosque!

Servo

No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.

Have you been to Istanbul?

Servo

THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

Wait a minute...is that really your voice?

Servo

[irritated] Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or Sir to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?

Mike

[weakly] Sir, yes sir.

I didn't hear you, ladybritches!

Mike

I said sir, yes sir!

Servo

[in pieces on the table] Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch Sisters!

You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?

Servo

[sarcastically] Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...

Mike

Hey Crow, c'mon...

I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!

Mike

Uh, This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine.

And what is the name of your robot, boy?

Servo

Servo! Tom Servo!

I don't believe I was addressing you, Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and give me twenty, Corporal?

Servo

Uh, 'cause I can't?

Well, now, you just bought yourself two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!

Mike

Uh, we'll be right back.

I heard that, Pyle! You piece of filth!

Servo

Well, several pieces, actually...

Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!

Pete, Linc, Julie, and... Steve?

Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!

Kill 'em all!

Servo

It's Prince's new name, isn't it?

No, it's Frank Gorshin's new name!

Mike

Hey, wait a minute!

She's nude!

Servo

Lady...

Mike

So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again?

Servo

Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU!

Mike

You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that.

Servo, you're gonna die in space.

Crow! He might not.

Servo

That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! [gets raised]

Mike

[whispering]Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite.

Servo

[whispering] I know, just send the poor dope out to space.

Don't die!

Servo

Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen] Boy! [audibly shivering throughout forecast] It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold?

Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine!

Mike

Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay?

Servo

Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here!

He's dead meat.

Yep.

Servo

I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! [Servo suddenly screams loud and long]

Mike

Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! [Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]

Well, that'll happen.

Servo, are you all right?

Mike

Servo, buddy, speak to me!

Servo

Well, [coughs] I'm not cold anymore. [coughs]

Mike

I better start fixin' you up.

Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that?

Mike

NO! You can't. You cannot do that.

I wanna do that, I'm doing that next.

Mike

We'll be right back.

Servo

Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha!