Crow T. Robot quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

Joel

It's a twister!

Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto!

Servo

Toto too?

It's not the wind, it's a men's choir.

[seeing his "mother" running away] There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away?

Could be your breath.

Joel

Maybe you're mistaken?

Servo

Maybe it's a trap.

Servo

Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling really good!

Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a Fugitive Alien sequel, we're in for the two most painful hours of our lives! [Servo begins crying]

Joel

Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now.

A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star...

Servo

[crying] We know...

... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part...

Seen it!

Servo

Taped it! [cries more]

Rocky.

Again?

Rocky!

Again?!

Servo

That's good, Crow.

IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!!

Joel

Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow!

Joel

TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him!

A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- [gets slapped in the beak]

Joel

Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo!

But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! [breaking character] Hooker's a good cop! Whoa! He's a good-- [gets slapped in the beak again]

Joel

Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance!

[sobs] I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know...

Servo

New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated Bacchus III commander from the beloved Fugitive Alien series!

Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately.

Servo

Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks!

Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of Bacchus 3. Set 'em up, barkeep.

Flask and travel bar not included.

Servo

Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial.

Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink!

Servo

Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him.

Tax and license not included.

Servo

You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe.

Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate!

Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House!

Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life.

Servo

And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always...

[singing] Try to kill him with a forklift!

[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky] I'll kill that Rocky.

Again?

Servo

Oh-hooo, hit him.

[calling Rocky] Rocky, can you read me?

Again?

Joel

... stop it.

Rocky!

AGAIN?

Joel

[snapping] STOP IT!

Joel

Where have I seen this before?

Servo

Oh, I don't know; a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away?

Yeah...

Joel

Yep.

Joel

Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages.

Servo

Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages!

Joel

Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two?

I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway.

Servo

What a complete wing-nut!

Joel

Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great.

Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic.

Servo

Could I say something to our friendly caller, Joel?

Joel

Of course, Servo.

Servo

Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble?

Joel

Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one.

[excitedly] Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!!

Oh, he must mean Dave Moore.

Servo

No, he's on TV 4.

No, that's Moore On 4.

Servo

No, that's a black gospel singing group.

No, that's Moore By Four.

Servo

Isn't that an off road truck?

No, that's a 4x4.

Servo

No you're thinking of a 2x4.

No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy."

Servo

No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out.

No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant!

There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...

... and Kenny...

Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— [a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence] —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Joel

See, I told you guys it would work.

Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound.

Servo

[defensive] Shut up! It's not funny. [Scoffs]

[looking for his turtle] You there?

Servo

[beginning to get a little sad] Oh Tibby...

Tibby?

...or not Tibby.

Servo

It's not- Stop it! Shut up!

Tibby!

Tibby! Tibby! SQUISH! Aww, Tibby!

Servo

[getting more emotional] That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop!

Tibby??? Tibby!

Joel

What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom.

Servo

[gets up and begins to walk away] I'm leaving! I ha- [sobbing] I can't take this, this is terrible!

Joel

Come on back, come on.

Servo

[returning to his seat] Will you stop with the jokes?

Joel

Yeah.

Servo

Uhh...

Hey, Joel, remind you of anything?

Joel

[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it] Yeah, it reminds me of this!

Ah! Hey! Cut it out.

[singing] In the not too distant future- [Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]

Ha ha!

Servo

You could get sued for that kind of thing.

Joel

I'm gonna sue you for using that song.

Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!