And here is Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs! Take it away Gonzo.
Thank you very much, Kermit! Let's see, here on Monday we have Murphy Prawn,...
RRizzo
That's my favorite one.
...and the Single Duck in the City and his apartment full of friends...
Rizzo I got one too.
...and for this evening's show right now we have TBA followed by the X-flies...
Ahr...er.. 'x...'xcuse me, but TBA means 'To be Announced', which means...We don't have a show for tonight!
[freaking out] What?! No show?! Oh, no, that's terrible! [resumes "normally" after a pause] Okay, on Saturday we have...
Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.
RRizzo
Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!
[Four rats pop up and sing a rendition of 'Istanbul (Not Constantinople)' by The Four Lads]
Istanbul was Constantinople.
Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
Been a long time gone, Constantinople.
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks!
[Addressing the Audience] Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later! [Walks off to meet Rizzo] Yo, Riz, Riz! What ya got for me?
RRizzo
Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas!
Oah, that doesn't sound good!
RRizzo
It's either that or Seymore and Pepe doing German opera.
[Seymour and Pepe do their song]
TTogether
We're two of a kind!
and go swimming up the Rhine.
I'll go and introduce the grandmas.
Hello everyone, Kermit the Fr... [Ernst Stavros Grouper coughs] Virgil the Monkey here.
Ee, ee, ee, oo, oo, oo. O.
I love this little monkey.
Anyway: I want to introduce you to the new owner of our station, Mr. Ernst Stavros Grouper.
Now, as your new owner I would like to get to know each of you by name: Who are you?
RRRizzo the Rat
Well, I'm Rizzo the Rat
Not anymore, now you're Alfred the Worm!
RRRizzo the Rat
What the...?
Not anymore, now... you're... Whitley Nibbles the Television Elf.
And, er, let's see, who, who are you?
BBBill the Bubbleguy
Well, I'm, err,... Bob, and, Err,... raisins come out of my Ears.
No, you are Bill, and bubbles come out of your head.
BBBill the Bubbleguy
It worked! YES!
Now, now, now. There will be a few more changes. Number One: Yellow will be known as the official color of naughtiness. Number two: I expect you all to anticipate my needs before they are spoken.
RRRizzo the Rat
Number three.
Very good, Alfred, my obsiquious little worm.
How am I gonna keep the ratings above 50?
RRizzo
Well, first off, you gotta get rid of this act. Ugh!
[Shows two Muppets with flat faces banging their heads against anvils to the music of the Anvil Chorus]
[A bomb will explode if ratings drop below 50]
Hey, hey, hey, put us on, we've got an act!
RRizzo
Are we that desperate?
RGRizzo and Gonzo
Yes, go, go, go, come on!
[Seymour and Pepe perform their song for the first time on the air]
SPSeymour and Pepe
We're two of a kind.
I'm a little bit forward,
and I've got a big behind.
Hey, Seymour, what do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
[Even the laugh track didn't think that was funny]
[Miss Piggy is delayed]
Heh, heh, man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing them out there!
We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
RRRizzo the Rat
Let's just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out.
[Cut to Miss Piggy in limo]
Whoopi's doing great, she's killing them out there! They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope that Clifford doesn't figure that out.
[The Real World Muppets]
DDarci
[singing to Clifford] I hate men, I hate men, all men should die, death to al men, [to Rizzo the Rat] I hate rats too. [not singing] So what'ya think?
RRRizzo the Rat
[confessional] Mmmm. What could we do? We had to tell her her song was great. she threatened to read us her poetry!
DDarci
[singing to Bobo the Bear] Bears are killers, killers of sheep, killers of Bambi, bears should all die. Kill them, kill them. [not singing] So, what'ya think?
Er, it's a little, little, little one-sided.
DDarci
So, is it because I'm a woman, I'm not supposed to express my opinions?
Oh, oh, no, no, we, er, it's, er, it's easy to dance to.
DDarci
So, that's more like it.
Oh, good, Well, Will you give me the keys to the fridge now, Darci?
[...]
DDarci
...we worked it out. Like all good roommates we came to a compromise.
CBClifford, Bobo and Rizzo
[singing to Darci] We hate angry women, who write songs, who hate men,
RRRizzo the Rat
One, two!
CBClifford, Bobo and Rizzo
and who were raised by wolves.
[Gonzo and Rizzo, having just hosted a clip show called "The Best of Muppets Tonight", are about to leave when they see Statler and Waldorf with a TV camera]
What are you two doing here?
Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called, "The Worst of Muppets Tonight".
RRizzo
Really? What did you show?
[They laugh]
Muppets Tonight · 85 quotes
