Clifford quotes from Muppets Tonight

Clifford

I'm Clifford, your homey made of foamy!

Clifford

[dazed] Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number, from The Sound of Music...number.

Congratulations, Clifford, you got your own show

Clifford

[into the phone] Hold on, baby. [to Kermit] My Own show?! I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So, so when does it start?

Ooh, in about thirty seconds.

Clifford

[into the phone] I call you back. Iuh![faints]

Gonzo

Clifford, your problems are solved: I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off.

Clifford

Well, put 'em on, man!

Gonzo

[looks down] Your socks?

Clifford

No! The act, the act!

Gonzo

Oh, yes, okay. [clears throat] Muppets Tonight is proud to present: François Fromage and his dancing cheeses! Give it up, Give it up!

Clifford

It better be Gouda! What? Too cheesy?

Clifford

You're really gonna do our show? We', that's great! But, but I thought you were busy doing infomercials.

Miss Piggy

[repulsed] Infomercials? Hahah, hah, hah, hah: it is to laugh! Moi am a star! I do not stoop so low as to do... infomercials!

[Turns on tv] Hey, Miss Piggy, They're running one of those infomercials you do not doooo...

Miss Piggy

[eliminates him] Hahahah, haah.

And not only do my Pigwig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement - as - vous - can - plainly - see, but...they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Look! [the pot turns her around really fast] The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself! Whoa, whoa!

Miss Piggy

[deadpan] Don't laugh, it paid for the beach house.

Clifford

So which one of you fellows are Andy, and which one's Randy?

This job is too hard!

Clifford

..., an incredible performer, and the most unusual name in show business, right here. [shows The Symbol]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, how many drawings of my mother are out there?

Clifford

Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that can be seen everywhere from Istanbul to Constantinople.

Clifford, haven't you heard? Istanbul is Constantinople!

Clifford

Wadda ya mean?

Istanbul was Constantinople.

Clifford

[Addressing the Audience] Excuse me while I see what we have in our vast reservoir of talent. Later! [Walks off to meet Rizzo] Yo, Riz, Riz! What ya got for me?

Well, I'm afraid our vast reservoir is more like a vast desert. All we got is dancing grandmas!

Clifford

Oah, that doesn't sound good!

It's either that or Seymore and Pepe doing German opera.

Seymour

Hi, there!

Pepe

Ah, Aah!

Seymour

I'm Tristan.

Pepe

I'm Isolde.

We're two of a kind!

Pepe

We both wear lederhosen,

Seymour

and go swimming up the Rhine.

Tadaa!

Clifford

I'll go and introduce the grandmas.

Yeah.

Clifford

Yo, yo, yo, Pierce, where-a ya been, man? We need you for the spy-in-the-casino sketch.

Oh, good, good, good! What does that involve?

Clifford

You know... the usual! Where the spy has a fight scene, dances with beautiful women, gets tortured and saves the day!

[pauses for a moment while staring blankly] And what do I do?

Clifford

That is what you'll be doing, man, just like in your movies.

But Clifford, this is live television. In the movies we plan everything and we do it over and over again until we get it right. I mean: we have stunt-men and special effects and we go to exotic locations like... Istanbul and... Constantinople.

Now every gal in Constantinople,

You know Clifford, that annoying and repetitive rat-song, has given me time to think: I'll do the sketch!

Clifford

[to Rizzo] Figure those lobsters out there: aren't they cute? With their little lobster outfits, their little lobster guitars and their little lobster semi-automatic weapons.

[Interspersed with enthusiastic support from his peers] Keep that camera turned on me, or we will shoot you! Shellfish of the world, unite! We, the Crustacean Liberation Army, are taking over the Muppet Studios! Here we will announce our plans for world domination. Here are our demands: First, that from now on, when someone's in bad mood, no-more calling them 'crabs'. Second: when someone is short, no-more calling them 'shrimps'.

[Freaking out] Yeah, because that's one thing that really burns us.

Take it easy, Ed. [Ed calms] Third: No more movies based on old tv shows.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that's right! But... wait a minute, what's that got to do with shellfish?

Nothing. It's for the benefit of all mankind!

Clifford

Well, You got to agree with them on that one!

[Cheering] Grouper, grouper, give a shout,

Excuse me, but who are you?

We're the corporate majorettes. [One bimbo punches Kermit in the face]

What did you do that for?

This is a hostile make-over.

[Entering] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That is take-over, you bubblehead! Now get back to the limo. I don't know why I made them senior executive vice-presidents.

Woof!!

Ah, now I remember.

Andy

What? The winner of what?! $14,000,000!?!?! Well, no, thank you. We cannot count that high. [they both hang up]

Clifford

Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe that you just turned down $14,000,000!

Andy

Oh, we didn't. It was for you.

Clifford

Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?

Bobo

Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, you know? Yeah, she'll never make it through the winter, that's for sure.

Clifford

How am I gonna keep the ratings above 50?

Well, first off, you gotta get rid of this act. Ugh!

Clifford

Aw, man!